A Guide to Election Day

The gauntlet – one must prepare themselves to battle the gauntlet of flyer waving political party volunteers that await you when you pull up at your old primary school. 

It’s best to practice your “getthefuckawayfromme” scowl as you do your best to ignore the irony of political parties who campaign for environmental issues and then pump out so much rubbish bin fodder on election day. 

Downside of being an eager beaver –  to a weirdly large chunk of Perth’s population, lining up for 45 minutes for something underwhelming is some kind of dream. However, for those who value their time (and didn’t want to vote early) there is a great temptation to hit the polling station as soon as it opens. 

Sure your wait is shorter but the BBQs haven’t always fired up by then and you’ll likely leave as meatless as an eunuch’s jocks. 

Skipping the queue – surprisingly, keeping the AEC updated when you move house isn’t on everyone’s priority list. This can often lead to rocking up to a polling station outside your registered electorate – what a delicious surprise. 

Enjoy the stinkeyes from the queue of plebs as you get ushered into the special line for special people who aren’t registered in that electorate. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. 

Democracy sausage selfie – there are two types of people in Australia, those who can buy a sausage sizzle without posting it on social media and those who would *literally* die if they didn’t. 

Today’s social media feeds will be littered with people posting their snags and subsequently getting comments from people who are bitter their polling station denied them this democractic right. 

Election pencil selfie – even more revered than the humble democracy snag selfie is the election pen pre-pilfer post. A little souvenir that the AEC really doesn’t want you to have.

What will you do with the pencil? Beyond the post, nothing, but you like to feel that you got a little consolation prize for eating into your bottomless brunch time to exercise your democractic rights.

RELATED: AFP To Assist AEC By Sending Undercover Agents To Monitor Election Pencil Theft 

Letting everyone know you vote below the line – one does not simply watch Q&A every week and not give unsolicited lecturers on Facebook about the importance of voting below the line. 

They may have a point but by George are they smug about it. They don’t see their voting card as merely an instrument of democracy but as a renaissance piece of a politically enlightened citizen that has been marked by a master. Nothing like a voting below the line at the booth selfie to really seal this deal.

The prankster – even worse than the smug Q&A addict is the clown that thinks drawing a dick & balls on their voting form is the height of edgy, anti-establishment comedy.

Anyway, if you’ve had a good look at all the candidates you’ll find that there are more than enough dicks on the voting ballot as it is.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?