In the winter months, the western suburbs of Perth resemble Mount Everest Basecamp.

As the mercury hits a bone-chilling 20 degrees, the cafes and bars are swarmed with rich wankjobs who would sooner leave your frozen carcass as a marker on their social climb than risk draining even 1% of their class battery on an SOS call your pleb fashion sorely needs.

It is important to first note that The North Face is merely a baseline trendy winter option.

There are levels to this elite shit. If you should be so grotesque as to puff around in Kathmandu, you may as well return to the rental viewing on the Crawley side of Nedlands you were just at, you total peasant. Perhaps you should go and visit a different triangle, like the one in Bermuda you insufferable boor.

However, if the very sight of The North Face reeks too strongly of new money, and you need to show that your unnecessary artic grade winter wear is more nuanced, then perhaps Patagonia is for you.

Of course, if Patagonia is too cheap, and you really want to shove the fact you own property in a ski-village down people’s poverty-holes, then Canada Goose is an outstanding choice.

Once you have figured out your place in the winter wear hierarchy, the next step is to work out how you are going to flaunt your garish consumerism. Young blokes simply have to pair the full puffy jacket with a pair of RM William boots.

A true mountaineer. You could seamlessly slip into the unexplored terrain like Heath Ledger’s fingers on a boys trip to Wyoming.

If you are a western cougar than you should opt for the puffy vest and pair it with full Lululemon activewear.

You will need the extra warmth to survive the full force of the cold shoulder you give to “scholarship” parents you may have the misfortune of meeting down at a Cottesloe cafe. Don’t they have cafes in the Riverton Forum? Christ.

Speaking of coffee, you will also need the excessive warmth the vest provides while you sit in your luxury 4WD, heater blaring, while you wait for your drive through coffee on Stirling Highway.

Think about the hypothermia you could suffer if the new girl making the coffee holds you up even a second longer. Perish the thought. The horror.

One final, and probably most important thing to note about owning a puffy jacket, is that you can never admit that you are actually a bit hot under it.

Never let the leaver hoodie, ugg boot wearing, unwashed masses know you have cooked the chook and bought an inappropriate jacket for Perth. Just tell them, “it gets a bit colder when you live next to the beach”. Checkmate.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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