Witnesses have expressed fears for eardrums within a 200m radius of a group of gal’s bottomless brunching as the first stop in a hen’s day.
Within just 45minutes of going duck style on flutes of prosecco, the noise being emitted from the group was likened to the sort of lullaby one could expect to hear while staying at Hotel Guantanamo Bay.
Authorities were closely monitoring the prosecco to screech ratio to make sure it didn’t go above the legal threshold and become a risk to the normal functioning of the human ear. Also so the hyena-cackling didn’t interfere with nearby reception towers.
A fellow bruncher thought she’d received a sonic boom right to the chops after one of the gal’s unleashed a cackle that could tear the space-time continuum itself. She told The Times,
“Clearly, she’d found the peen-shaped straws her besties had in her bag to be the funniest thing in the world. She was doing an in & out motion as aggressively screeched about it looking like one of her friend’s hubby’s member”
A bartender on duty had to slip some earplugs in as the ratio reached critical levels at the 1-hour mark. He told The Times,
“They should deploy these girls to disperse rioters and the like. I actually didn’t know a human vocal cord could produce that frequency of screech. They said they’ll be getting a Stretch Hummer with more prosecco later, I really hope that driver has protection”
Nearing the end of the bottomless service, the bride-to-be was heard to emit a noise that was initially thought to have been from the Jurassic Park films. A witness described the moment,
“Yeah, we thought mumma Pterodactyl had lost her egg! It made me drop my phone on the table, I was so shocked. It turns out the chick wearing the sash just wanted a bartender to take a photo of them”
The witness tended to their sore ear as they no doubt reflected on the potential damage the boom had caused. They continued,
“I reckon she should’ve asked for the photo earlier in the session, they were looking as sloppy as a re-microwaved Whopper mate. On the bright side, at this rate, they’ll surely have lost their voices by mid afternoon”
For the sake of the Swan Valley vineyards, this is excellent news.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
