Easy ridin’ bachelor and all-round sprogless individual Damian has swung into the rescue after observing a young couple having some parenting issues on the weekend.
Seeing his acquaintances try and work out how to deal with their kid’s tantrum filled Damian with a sense of duty. This is despite having no parenting skills or any real knowledge of the couple or their kid. He’s just helpful like that.
A witness said that Damian had a 3 and a half-pint swagger as he swooned over to the couple and boldly interrupted by saying, “here’s what you should do”.
The couple looked up in bemused disbelief in anticipation of receiving parenting advice from someone who just 15 minutes ago was talking about getting on it and waking up on a park bench after the Wallabies game.
A witness who was sitting across the table told The Times,
“You could tell Damo had never tended for a child. He told them to give the kid an ultimatum, he either eats the rest of his spaghetti or they weren’t going to let him watch the footy later in the arvo. I think the kid was 3 man”
The couple politely thanked Damian for his input before getting back to solving the issue at hand. However, Damian isn’t the kind of man to just leave it at that. A witness recounted,
“He then started telling everyone at the table how genius his solution was because it was both a carrot and a stick. He even had the audacity to call it his philosophy. I think he actually made the mic drop gesture too”
We spoke to the frustrated father who eventually managed to calm his child down with some learned techniques picked up along the way of raising him. He told The Times,
“Not going to turn the footy on later? Has this clown ever been around a 3-year-old? Man, he’s got a lot to learn about children! I think he’s picked up that little nugget from a bartender threatening to switch off the game around some rowdy drunks”
6 pints down by the end of the session, Damian left feeling like Dr. Phil. He told The Times,
“I live to give. I reckon parents often can’t see what they are doing wrong because they are too invested. That’s why I like to help out. I’m good like that”
Ah, Damian, what are we ever going to do with you.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?