Cott Residents Demand Probe Into “Gang Activity” Kids Kicking a Footy Could Attract

It’s not a skatepark but Cott locals are concerned that Heavy Duty’s art installation for this year’s Sculptures By The Sea could attract “young thugs” who love kicking a “red pill” through the “sticks” – all words associated with “youth crime culture”.

A group of residents is planning both a poster & letter drop campaign to raise awareness of the sorts of anti-social behaviour that footy kicking can attract. 

We viewed a draft pamphlet and can confirm the residents are concerned about, 

“Post GF style narcotic benders, Dustin Martin haircuts, illegal tattoo artists giving Collingwood jobs on the beach, drive-bys, Docker fans in general and of course, beach youth gangs fighting for territory right in front of the goals”

Under the cover of anonymity, we were told by a leading campaigner,

“We go to the football and we’ve seen what’s happening with the undesirable General Admission class. We see the mullets, we see the processed sausage in buns and we’ve seen the parents drinking domestic beer from a plastic cup. Are you trying to tell us these so-called people won’t be smuggling drugs into Cott inside these footballs they’ll bring?”

Another resident shared similar concerns however fixated on the risks of a “turf war” if a rival gang decided to send a torpey from the grassed area,

“We know how volatile this underclass of the football world can be. What we don’t want to see is the biff brought back to Cottesloe. We all lived through the old Cott Hotel’s Sunday sessions. Please take that activity to Scarborough where it belongs”

Another resident was slightly more diplomatic. Telling us that they were all for children playing and having fun but given the already “unreasonable stress” Sculptures By The Sea puts on Cottesloe’s sense of class, it may create issues. They told us,

“You have to understand this is a stressful time for us. Ford Falcons creeping our streets. Nissan Patrols parking on our lawns. Oh, the horror! If we have to call the Ranger every 15 minutes because a suspicious-looking child shanked one right in front then the Ranger will never get a moment’s rest!”

Unfortunately for whinging residents, the greenlighting of the skatepark has set a precedent in favour of injecting some fun into the stuffy old neighbourhood. 

We look forward to the grimaces of pain when a fully intoxicated adult tries to punt a waterlogged Sherrin through the sticks and breaks their foot. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?