L’Oréal has announced it will splice human DNA with moisturiser in an attempt to unlock the awesome anti-ageing qualities of retiring Freo midfielder David Mundy.
The cream is designed to help people’s skin perform like it was 20 even late into their 30s. A spokesperson for L’Oréal told The Times,
“Footy is a good metaphor for skin vibrancy. We want 30, 40, and even 50-year-olds to have the kind of skin that can still do some hard running in the midfield. Why settle for back pocket skin for the rest of your life?”
Ethics aside, the product is expected to be a real hit with the cougar community who just quietly, probably aren’t averse to the idea of a little AFL superstar cream on their face.
Nevertheless, some scientists are saying this is a bit of a slippery slope. Telling The Times,
“Let’s not forget about the unintended side effects. Remember when they ran a similar cream using the essence of Joel Selwood? People who applied the cream couldn’t stop ducking their heads into dangerous situations. Obviously, Mundy is a class act but these things happen when you play God”
A whistleblower from within the L’Oréal corporation said there were side effects that weren’t being fully disclosed, telling The Times,
“This lady used the cream for 3 weeks. Prior to that her hair was straight as a Shannon Hurn drop punt from the back square. Now her hair falls with a natural curl. That just doesn’t happen by itself”
The deal is expected to make David Mundy the first AFL billionaire, with the cream expected to be a runaway success.
Similarly, retiring star Josh Kennedy’s DNA is expected to be studied for application in the “men-who-can’t-seem-to-aim” market to help the sloppiest pisser become a middle-of-the-bowl deadeye dick.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
