20 years on, Perth man still has overwhelming urge to launch a honkey nut at some kid’s melon

Perth man, Clint may have graduated from school over two decades but he has never lost the urge to lob a honkey nut at anyone who aggrieves him during his day. Some say it’s deeply ingrained in his DNA. Others say it’s just hard to move on. 

However, nothing builds up the urge to ditch a honkey nut quite like shit head children at his local shopping centre. If he was just 25 years younger, he wouldn’t even be having the debate. It would be on. 

See, back in the day, Clint was something of an authority figure at recess and lunch. Gifted with the arm of a powerwanking orangutan, he was both feared and respected for his efforts in honkey nut battles. 

Now, he’s lucky if someone notices his freakish accuracy even once a month. He told The Times,

“Every now and then I’ll shoot a 3 from my office desk into the bin. No one gives a shit. At recess though, I could bean a goober from across the other side of the quadrangle. I was king dick man, king dick”

It would be easy to write Clint off as merely suffering from a severe case of Peter Pan syndrome. However, a leading expert on WA culture says that the sweet release of launching a honkey nut has a hold on more Western Australians than you’d think. He told The Times,

“Just seeing a few honkey nuts on the ground takes one back to the good times. When your greatest worry was copping one to the side of the head while you gathered up a few to peg yourself. Now you have interest rates, pestilence, a bulging gut, and a career that makes you want to cry in the shower every morning”

To help deal with his urges when he sees honkey nuts, Clint has begun pegging them at the bins at his local park when he takes his dog for a walk. He told The Times,

“Every bin I hit is one less obnoxious teen on a scooter that I’ll be tempted to scone from an impressive distance. That’s not to say I don’t want to. I think it’d be better for society if you could dish out some honkey nut justice but the Court was very clear on what would happen if I did”