Ascot is a weird place. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself! Just follow the Great Eastern Highway and you’re there.
1. What happens at the marina stays at the marina
Just imagine the joy of a day out at the Ascot Marina when a salacious husband & wife duo who both look like Rod Stewart approach you for a gritty swingfest on their disgusting boat!
You won’t walk for a week I’ll tell you that. Which is OK because in Ascot they prefer to get around on 4 legs. Although the saddle might not be too comfortable either. Ah well, you had a blast.
2. Accept Perth is a big country town
Speaking of horseys, the thick waft of horseshit combined with the many horse-related signs will disavow you of the notion that Perth is some modern metropolis. If you’re lucky you might even see a horse tied up outside a petrol station waiting for its owner.
You have to remember, you are only 10km from the CBD and you’re seeing large semi-rural properties that would be a bit outdated in Merredin. Unreal!
3. Enjoy a K-Hole
Remember, where there are horses there is probably some good ketamine too. So why not ask around and get your grubby little hands on some Ket?
Once you’ve sourced your afternoon’s entertainment you simply must head up to Great Eastern Highway and enjoy the road rage extravaganza that the City of Belmont always puts on for you. What a marvel.
4. Go on the worst police chase of your life through the land of no through roads
Now, most people in Ascot are weird horse people so naturally they don’t get many visitors. That’s why they saw fit to make the suburban portion a confusing labyrinth of no through roads.
This is fine if you’re just driving around enjoying the stench of horse shit but very bad if you’ve just come in steaming from GEH with the po-po hot on your tail! You’re almost certainly going to fall victim to the no-through roads and that’s your fault.
5. Pay your respects to the double-brick dream
You’re not from Western Australia if your dream isn’t a wildly inappropriate brick fortress for this hot-as-balls climate. So why not take the time to visit one of the O.Gs of the game – Ascot Brick Works is heritage listed and helped many a ridiculous dream come true.
It’s also the site of the new patron saint of the double brick. Dubbed brick man, the statue appeared before X-Mas in 2020 and now stands watching over the disused brick emporium like the king he is.
6. Lose your mind at the Great Eastern Highway roadworks
Death, taxes, and GEH being a piece of fkn shit. That’s the guarantees you get in this life so don’t take them for granted. To fully appreciate the majesty of the GEH roadworks I strongly suggest you ensure you’re a bit toight for time.
This will really help you dig deep into your hurt locker and boil over in a froffin’, red, mess of rage as you ask yourself what you did to deserve this hellish fate. Those are the good times.
7. Pick a winner at Ascot Racecourse
It wouldn’t be Ascot without the best opportunity in Perth to make a huge disgrace of yourself during the Spring Carnival. It would be a CRIME to miss out on wearing your best Tarocash or Supre threads on a Volcum belted, white-shoed, day of a lifetime.
What are you most likely to win? An antibiotic-resistant rash, a date with the Magistrate, and a lifetime of memories that you’ll tell your kid one day. Like how you took on 3 cops and the dogs tasered you.
8. Be a local on Kuljak Island
Many people probably don’t know that Ascot has its own man-made island. A beautiful nature reserve in the middle of the Swan River that the locals seem to primarily use as a dog toilet.
So why not take your pooch down and flaunt the local bylaws on picking up after your dog yourself? When in Rome and all that!
9. Get some realistic housing expectations at The Dollhouse
No, it’s not the ‘rippers, it’s a cute little house at the very edge of Ascot near the foreshore. Why should you care? Well, in this economy that’s about the size of the house you’re going to be able to afford, bud.
Go and check it out and maybe the next 20 years of your life stuck in the rent trap might not seem quite so bad. Life is about perspective.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
