If you’ve ever been walking down the street and suddenly get hit in the nostrils by a strong stank of baby-batter you could be forgiven into thinking Don Burke is lurking behind some bushes. 

While he very well may be, the reproductive funk is emitted from our dear friend the cum-tree aka the Ornamental Pear (Pyrus Calleryana for nerds).

It’s the tree of a thousand side-eyes as you try to work out whether your friend just sauced his chinos or if some other devilish factor is at play. 

It is believed the Ornamental Pear was introduced to our streets from China or Vietnam. Early pioneers believed a cum-tree should be found on every corner of every street in Australia. Just ask Burke & Wills, you can’t beat that new spooge smell. 

Jacaranda season is for losers. Real bloom-hounds know the man-juice is worth the squeeze when it comes to searching for Ornamental Pear trees every spring.

Not only will you not have to step through disgusting purple slosh on the floor, but you’ll also get photos that are as pure as snow. 

That’s because their bloom is whiter than the back of a chair in an old adult theatre. Also, which has been alluded to in this article, they smell like a 4-day load released into an un-airconditioned donga in the Pilbara heat. 

Should you partake of the fruits of the cum-tree? Probably not, but it’s a free country and for many of you the hard texture & bitter taste will take you back to last Saturday night’s regrets.

Applecross, South Perth and Wembley are all excellent locations to go custard hunting. Good luck and happy smelling this season.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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