Finally, Australia’s most beloved chef shared some secrets on how to properly serve fruit cake. Some might surprise you!
Throw it in a bin
Straight off the bat, the simplest and most correct way to serve fruit cake is to shove it in the closest bin.
Ideally, you want to bin the cake up to 4 hours before guests arrive so the site of the inedible dense log doesn’t cause any distress to guests.
Give your toilet some silly season practice
Xmas is obviously a very hectic time to be a toilet. So why not give it some practice with an item that practically has the same make-up of a giant Boxing Day turd?
Not only will you test what your toilet is made of but you’ll have the piece of mind that comes with the knowledge that the fruit cake is now the problem of the local sewage rats. Win, win!
Use as insulation
Why should your toilet have all the fun? Fruit cake makes a perfect insulation brick and if you combine all the other ones you’ve been gifted over the years your house will stay cool in summer and warm in winter!
For best results, use a thick quince paste to bind the bricks to ensure there are no gaps. Why do you think Maggie has such a modest aircon/heating bill all year around?
Use as a threat
If anyone thinks they’ll chuck a tantrum this Xmas, let them know that if they continue acting this way there will be no delicious Xmas ham but rather just a big, slab of fruit cake.
BAM! The children in your household will be stepping over each other to be model citizens. They’ll even clean your entire house if you promise to put the fruit cake away for another year! As a fruit cake never dies, it’s the gift that keeps giving!
Regift, regift, regift
A problem shared is a problem halved. Don’t expect a regifting to totally get you out of the clear though as there is a fair chance you might cop the same one back in the regift lottery next year.
Nevertheless, giving someone a fruit cake for Xmas is a great way to unburden yourself and also let that particular individual know where they stand in your life.
Soak in booze (and watch it burn)
People often cite that the best way to eat fruit cake is to soak it in brandy and then enjoy with some sharp cheddar. What a bunch of freaks.
They do have it half right though. Once the cake is fully soaked in a high proof liquor you can then set it on fire and watch the cake burn in front of you. What a cleansing, wholesome experience.
Spare cricket ball
If your overcompetitive uncle has smacked every ball over the fence, you can simply squish a handful of fruit cake into a ball and leave in the sun for 20 mins.
It will now have the precise texture of a real cricket ball. However, please don’t bowl any bouncers with this, we can’t risk having it touch someone’s mouth.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
