Kalgoorlie is not just a location. It’s a state of mind. This ain’t your grandma’s holiday so buckle in and prepare yourself for a weekend of mayhem.
1. It’s about the journey, not the destination
Make sure to take in the sites of Perth’s most brutal building at the East Perth traino before catching The Prospector. Catch her a day before because you’ll be stuck on her for a solid 7 hours.
Get swept up in the magic as a filthy Kalgoorlie roughneck exits the toilet and crop dusts the carriage after unloading a full payload from a Perth weekender that would kill a lesser man. Your eyes water from perfection. Your breath is literally taken away from you. You dry heave in anticipation of the fun that awaits you.
2. The Kalgoorlie big brekkie
You don’t want to miss the brekkie in Kalgoorlie. Do your best to fit in with some Hi-Vis and enjoy a traditional brekkie of frosty Swan pints and Emu cans from 6 am.
Some may consider this a tad early to wet your whistle but these blokes have been working all night. Just as you were working hard and fighting off the effects of the bio-attack on the train. You’ve just got your taste buds back so make the most of them!
“I reckon I could really become a morning person if I lived in Kal. Although the mid morning hangover is new to me!” – Testimonial from Julie
3. Did someone say gold fever?
You have two choices. Be a dumbarse tourist with a panhandle out in the bush or do it the true Kal style and go scoping for unguarded paydirt in someone’s yard.
Is this dangerous? We prefer to say it’s adventurous! If you get caught you’ll have an experience and scar that will last a lifetime. If you don’t, you might just chemically leech out some gold. Eureka! More on gold theft HERE.
4. Present an offering to the Super Pit
Sorry Dave from Hedland but this is WA’s biggest ‘ole. Well, open-cut mine and when visiting Kalgoorlie you are expected to make a sacrifice to appease the mining Gods.
What should you feed the Super Pit? That’s up to you but be generous or we could be smitten with a cursed recession. We suggest some winning TAB tickets or a Jack & Coke stubby (unopened).
“I threw a gold bar I got from the Perth Mint in. Symbolic gesture ya know, from wence it came and that. It spat it back out and said it only dealt with pure! What a lesson” – Testimonial from Brad
5. Get syndicated
Kalgoorlie has become WA’s no.1 spot to become a lotto millionaire. With two enormous wins in as many years. So make sure to sign up to a local syndicate.
It’s all the fun of the Belmont Forum Kiosk in sunny Kal. Now, when choosing your syndicate make sure you can physically beat each other member in hand to hand combat. You may just need to when the inevitable dispute over winnings occurs.
6. Join a crime report shitfight on FB
Ever wanted to air all your wildest prejudices in a judgement free forum? Well, don’t let dreams just be dreams! Come in red hot with some inconclusive evidence but a strong “reckon” on who wronged you (check this guy for pro tips: Mr Kalgoorlie).
Enjoy the experience of being part of an online mob. Just make sure your own little paydirt pilfering didn’t make it to the group. After all, the crime report pages are practically the local news in Kal.
7. Convince yourself a skimpy loves you
Think of some of the greatest love stories ever told. Romeo & Juliet, Cinderella and probably more apt for your situation, Beauty & The Beast and of course, Diggers & Dealers mining delegate and skimpy at the local pub. In fact, the latter two stories have some overlap.
Is it her job to be nice to you? Yes. Does that mean she’s not madly in love with you? Possibly no, more likely, yes. So live your best life and dwell in that 5% likelihood and transfer all that money you made from the syndicate to her lacey bank account.
8. Party like a miner
You’ve got 12 hours until the first train to get the hell out of Kalgoorlie and there’s no chance you’re missing that. So time to get on it. You don’t come to a town like Kalgoorlie to sleep after all.
Drink, pippy swirl and vape your way through the night. Watch out for bust-ups and hooning utes as you transcend normal society and with the help of your beer goggles see the sun rise over one of the last bastions of the wild west. Even if it’s just a glimmer of a watered-down vision of what this State used to stand for.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
