Friends and family of Perth man, Stuart, are urged to spare a thought for their fallen soldier as he bravely heads into work to do absolutely nothing and get “fairly pisssed” at lunch.
Stuart is under no illusion which direction the corporate-shit rolls in his hierarchy and he knew he had next to no chance of swindling the 5 day weekend. We spoke to him at 9:30 am as he recounted the horrific scenes,
“It’s a tough gig but someone’s gotta do it mate. I rolled in at about 9:15 after getting a little massage before work. So far I’ve made myself a coffee and then took a massive shit while watching a full episode of that Dragon show on my phone”
It’s about as bad as it gets. Not only has Stuart been forced to change in shorts but he’s even been pressured by the total lack of supervision and accountability to take his shoes off and “make himself at home”.
It’s enough to make you want to call the UN and launch a human right’s investigation. Stuart fought back distress as he continued,
“In about an hour I’m going to head off to the pub and will probably be back at around 3. I’ve just diverted my office phone to my mobile. Won’t lie I’m going to get pretty pissed and then continue to drink the beers in the office fridge until I knock off at about 4:15”
Not only is Stuart clearly doing it tough today but he’s curried unpalatable favour with his higher-ups for agreeing to hold down the fort. He told The Times,
“It’s pretty harrowing to hear that your bosses will look after you over the X-Mas period for my selfless sacrifice today. I can only imagine the long lunches, golf days and fine dining dinners I’ll be forced to attend due to what has transpired here today”
At the time of publishing this article, Stuart had answered 1 phone call and scored 7 3-pointers in a little game of office bin basketball he’s been playing while listening to his favourite tunes on loud speaker.
We will be arranging a welfare check for the lad soon.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?