To say Brent has become a sharty, gaseous bag of shit would probably be a kind description. However, it’s all for a good cause – to ensure his vessel in the Milk Carton Regatta is structurally sound and has a chance of taking out the race.
To prepare, everyone in Brent’s household is doing their bit. With each family member expected to put away a “minimum” of 4 large flavoured milks a day. Looking noticeably nauseous, Brent told The Times,
“We want to win plain and simple. You should see how much toilet paper we’re tearing through ha ha. Everyone at the shops thinks a lockdown is coming the way we are snapping it up but nah, just some digestive issues atm mate”
Brent’s wife says the commitment to the Milk Carton Regatta is taking its toll on them. Saying that she’s had to ban Brent from the ensuite toilet after a traumatic night listening to the effects of Brent smashing 5L for the day. She told The Times,
“Our house is pretty disgusting atm. We can’t show our faces down at the local pool after our boy Symon couldn’t hold it in. I really don’t think the human body was designed to drink that much strawberry milk”
Brent has denied that putting his digestive system under so much pressure is a foolish move, adding,
“Winning the Milk Carton Regatta is better than the confidence your undies will stay clean all day mate. It’s why I was put on this earth. Plus I know some tradies that drink this much milk a day and they are fine”
Perhaps not every portaloo would tell that story. Nevertheless, you can’t doubt Brent’s dedication. He even spends his weekends putting up fliers looking for extra cartons and raiding school bins.
He remains tightlipped about the design of his vessel but by the amount of milk he’s ripping through one can only imagine it’s Titanic-esque in size. Good luck Brent.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?