It’s 2019, and the fur-baby-fication of society is almost fully complete. Tired of seeing our canine pals sniff around the arse-crack of speciesism, we elevated their social status to a level that now exceeds most humans. So, ask yourself, how does it feel to rank lower than an animal that regularly dines at the self-excrement-buffet?

Of course, with status comes value, and with value comes temptation. Accordingly, western suburb “doggos” have become a very attractive currency of crime. A fact Jarren knows all too well.

Before dog-thieving, Jarren used to knick parcels from people’s porches during the day. Alas, he became disillusioned with the lucky dip of larceny and wanted a consistent pay off for this efforts. So after hearing that people in the western burbs offered up to $20k for the return of their stolen pooches, he knew what he had to do.

His plan was simple, sneak over the high walls of some rich fucker’s house, swipe their Frenchie and then claim the inevitable reward. On paper, it was the perfect plan, but his execution was rougher than the bum-bayonet of justice Gaddafi endured.

First of all, Jarren underestimated how conspicuous an Adidas-clad gent was scoping out the leafy burbs of Peppermint Grove. Secondly, he really underestimated just how many CCTV cameras the super-rich owned. He may as well have been filming an episode of “are you a shitter criminal than a 5th grader”.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, he REALLY underestimated how much of a fuss the owner was going to kick up. This campaign put the McCann’s to shame. Jarren’s dumb face was plastered across every Facebook group in Perth. In exceptional HD quality. These poshos really don’t skimp when it comes to paranoia.

Jarren figured his initial plan to innocently return the dog for the reward was unlikely to bear fruit. So, he opted for plan B – to try and sell the animal on the black market. Of course, once again, a master of underestimated, he didn’t realise how reluctant a person would be to hand over $5k to a guy selling a document-less Frenchie from the back of an AU Falcon. Fuck.

Christ, Jarren was really getting sick of the adorable Frenchie looking at him like he was a loser. It’s big doughy eyes looking at him just to say, “for a so-called criminal you aren’t very good at crime”. Jarren knew he had to put on his big boy pants and get staunch – it was ransom time.

He leaves a handwritten note that was scribed in forensic evidence in the victim’s letterbox, “$5000 OR WONT CEE DOG AGEN! MEAT HJS CLAIRMONT CARPAK NO COPS!!!!!!!! 4PM”. Ah yes, the cornerstone of any good ransom is to simply politely request that authorities are not involved.

Unsurprisingly, they were, and an undercover cop met Jarren in that car park to complete the bust. He sits in the paddy wagon is regret and ponders how it all went wrong. If it’s any consolation to him the path to incarceration is about the journey, not the destination, and he went out in a blaze of incompetent glory.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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