Mr Tribal Tatts

As a middle-class Aussie, Dane is as confused as Bert & Ernie’s living arrangement. He looks like the result of an unholy union between Casper the ghost and Jake the Muss.

Both of his shoulders are plastered in a pretty pattern which symbolises his allegiance to the Poserwanka people that have hunted the fertile grounds of festival toilets for the best pingers to be consumed during their traditional muzza dance.

Any true warrior must make great sacrifices. Danes is a series of maxed out credit cards from paying for all his tattoo sessions. Who needs a credit rating when you look hard?

Dane spends most of his morning American Crewin’ his hair and snapping a few mirror selfies. He is preparing for the gym and puts on a singlet, a pair of basketball shorts and Nike Airs accordingly.

He swaggers towards the BMW his dad bought him in exchange for promising to finish his Sports Science degree. Jokes on dad, 3 caps of pre-workout every day meant Dane was far too agitated to study. He is all about the tribe life now.

Before the gym, Dane meets up with his “squad” – a trio who are enjoying the traditional feed of the Poserwanka people: a shaker full of pre-workout and a protein bar that tastes similar to stale Nutri Grain that has been compacted together in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s kwon.

45 minutes of dropping weights and eye-diddling each other in the mirrors, the lads are ready to hit the showers and proceed to head home to prepare for their tribal battle at a Scarborough Sunday sesh.

In their mind, they enter the bar looking tougher than overcooked mutton but in reality, they look like every other softcock sheep in the venue.

Dane repeatedly glances at his tatts as he chats to a girl who had clearly been involved in a ghastly foundation and silicon explosion. He decides to seal the deal by maintaining an uncomfortable flex while chatting.

“It’s not just bout swole, cant have the tats stretching too much cos of my gains babe”. Yes, you wouldn’t want to look foolish, Dane.

While flexing may look garden variety ridiculous in photos it looks fully blown ridiculous in real life.

Of course, Dane will tell anyone who will listen that she was mirin’ his tatts but in reality she was just wondering whether he was going to shit himself.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?