BREAKING: New Super Resistant Strain Of Bacteria Discovered In Kelmscott Man Cave

Scientists are both amazed and horrified after discovering a resistant strain of bacteria previously unknown to the scientific community. 

Found under a disgusting couch in a Kelmscott man cave, the strain is thought to thrive on the unique atmospheric conditions contained within the man cave.

“Bacteria that can thrive in inhospitable places are nothing new but we never knew they could survive something this extreme. Previously we thought Deinococcus radiodurans was the most resilient given its ability to survive radiation but I think we have a new contender. You should’ve seen the state of this place”

Named Jackncoccus, the bacteria strain not only can survive in the man cave that hasn’t seen a lick of cleaning for 15 years but actually feeds off discarded dart butts and bodily emissions that constantly spew into the man cave’s atmosphere. 

Not much is known about the bacteria except it has a curious effect of accelerating the growth of unkempt facial hair and creating a powerful thirst for sugary alcoholic drinks, thus its name Jackncoccus. 

We spoke to the owner of the man cave who was stoked to be on the coal face of scientific discovery, adding,

“Not surprised something almost alien has been found thriving in me man cave. You have any idea how many times someone’s pissed themselves on that couch? Ha ha, I think that’s how they discovered the cock rash drug isn’t it?”

He raises a good point. With many scientists STILL refusing to investigate whether Dr. Fleming had indeed wet himself on an outdoor garage couch leading up to his discovery of penicillin. 

Practical applications for the bacteria are yet to be known but scientists are proceeding with cautious optimism. With one lead biologist telling The Times,

“We’ve had to quarantine the man cave obviously but it’s not easy working around Robbo. He’s threatened to belt 4 of our scientists for moving his favourite chair around. He also won’t stop telling us that he’s watching us like a hawk and if even 1 drop of his novelty 4.5L Beam bottle is missing he’ll be busting heads”

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?