Newscycle To Be Officially Replaced By Itemised List Of Things You Can’t Afford Now

Australia’s media giants have decided to replace their usual coverage of news with a constantly updated list of all the things that now cost a little bit more. 

The decision comes off the back of fantastic clicks for articles about the cost of lettuce and shit. 

We spoke to Doris who loves nothing more than having a cuppa while she catches up on the depressing reality of the cost of living. She told The Times,

“Last week it was all about the Bunnings snag now they are onto hot chips! I’m not sure what I would’ve done without such fearless reporting”

Over the next fortnight, punters will be treated to the full list of potato-based products that will likely increase in value given their key ingredient has gotten more expensive. 

We spoke to Rob who said he was waiting to find out if potato gems fall under the “hot chips” category or whether they will stay the same price. He told The Times,

“It’s touch and go around my household I’ll tell ya that. Potato gems are kinda like hot chips and as far as I know, potato is used to make them but I can’t be sure. We’ll just have to wait for the breaking news”

It’s not just grocery items, however. With petrol, diesel and LPG gas expected to feature very prominently for those of you who have never heard of fuel watch. 

At the time of writing this article, we believe newsrooms have been thrown into a panic over reports a suburban cafe has increased their flat whites by 50c. 

While the changes are now “official”, viewers aren’t expected to notice any change.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?