Culture Kings Forced To Introduce A No Shop-Lifting Policy Amid Plummeting Share Price

Culture Kings has landed a blow to its loyal fan base by announcing that its stores will no longer be the sticky-finger-utopia they once were. Banning all shoplifting until their finances can get back on track. 

A spokesperson for Culture Kings said the company was only banning theft – its “customer” bases preferred “payment” system – due to extenuating circumstances. Adding,

“We understand that when someone thinks Culture Kings they think about grabbing a basketball cap and bolting out of the store hoping security isn’t feeling overzealous that day. That’s the Culture Kings experience and it’s one we hope to return to soon”

It seems investors have long been calling for the store to take a more traditional approach to commerce. One investor told The Times,

“I’m concerned to be quite honest. Shrinkage is a part of retail life but honestly what happens in Culture Kings every day isn’t shrinkage it’s a full blown micropenis, mate. No excuses, the financial water isn’t cold, if you catch my drift”

Naturally, supporters of the store have stated they would boycott it if the proposed drastic action goes ahead. One local faux-eshay told The Times,

“We can go racking anywhere but we choose to go racking in Culture Kings. Now they are going to give up all that over some money. Who cares about money bro, yous is a popular store and that ay”

We can report that the store is considering banning shoplifting outright for 6 months and then offering a “loyalty card” – pay for 5 items and get to rack the 6th for free. 

After all, you can’t bite the hand that refuses to feed you, Culture Kings. 

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