The man, the myth, the legend has been chest pumping all day after Qantas recorded a $1B half yearly profit off the backs of ripped off customers. Joycey said ultimately all he had to do was completely trash the airline’s reputation to achieve the windfall.
In an address to shareholders, Joycey allegedly said that when the public thinks about Qantas now, they think about a steaming pile of shit that was probably going to turn around half way into the flight or lose their luggage. Or if they are extra valued customers – both!
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The Spirit of Australia is now truly the spirit of logistical hell – an accolade they are taking in their stride given their bonuses this year are set to be extra juicy. A source within Qantas told The Times,
“Obviously management is responsible for making it one of the most hated airlines for Aussie punters but we can’t take all the credit. After all, it was our beautiful customers that we bent over the barrel and rogered six ways to Sunday. We can’t forget all those desperate individuals having to pay our bullshit fares. Truly, thank you Australia”
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Furthermore, the airline admitted that its commitment to not giving a flying fark about your bags was a cornerstone of their strategy. A source added,
“Yeah paying for adequate and competent baggage handlers is expensive AF. So we just thought, fark it. I think you’ll all agree our company’s $1B profit is more important than your cretinous belongings”
Joycey has said he’s committed to lowering fares now the airline is back on track. Although, the smirk on his face said otherwise.
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