Cott man and all-around seasonal pest to the Dunsborough community has it all figured out, according to reports.
Bryan was seen basking in the light of his own genius as he sat down for the family’s final down south breakfast this morning. His son told The Bell Tower Times,
“He had this huge shiteating grin on his face. Usually, he looks like this when he’s mindwanking over his corporate bonus but today he was smug about allegedly knowing the perfect time to duck away to miss the traffic back home – early to mid arvo?”
After verbally scolding a teenage barista for not making his coffee to the specific degree he prefers, Bryan told his family that it’s far too nice a day and everyone will be pushing their departure time back as late as possible.
His long-suffering wife was nodding off due to her own breakfast of Xancakes with extra special mummy chardy-sauce but still couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Telling The Times,
“Every. Single. Holiday. Down. South. He reckons no one is planning to leave in the early to mid arvo and every single time, we get stuck in a disgusting clusterfuck of traffic on the way home. How deluded is this man to think the majority of people are going to wait until the evening to embark on a 3-4 hour drive back?”
Bryan’s daughter queried the logic and pressed her dad on whether it’d be wiser to duck off early in the morning and enjoy a full day in Perth, rather than two unsatisfying half days in a state of holiday ether.
She told The Times,
“I just think we should commit to one location for the day. The last day being down south is always kind of lame anyway. Always have the impending drive home on your mind so why not rip the bandaid off and miss the traffic?”
Bryan currently isn’t making eye contact with this “stupid” daughter who clearly doesn’t understand the nuances of down south herd mentality like Bryan claims to.
Speaking to The Times, Bryan declared himself the “traffic whisperer” and that he had a “good feeling” no one would be planning to head back mid arvo. He continued,
“Surprised my gorgeous wife was conscious enough to direct such vicious barbs at me. As I’ve stated a million times, the last few times we got stuck in traffic was due to ROAD WORKS and not my extremely fine-tuned instinct on when to return to Perth”
Good luck to your Bryan. You’re sure going to need it.
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