highways in perth

What Your Favourite Perth Highway Says About You

Albany Highway – you moved to East Vic Park 2 weeks ago and carry on like you’re as worldly as Anthony Bourdain because you reckon you can pronounce Pho. That or you’re itching for a little insurance claim in the South Eastern corridor of hell. More on this creature HERE.

Brookton Highway – you don’t want anyone looking at what might be in your boot do ya? A mysterious individual that is more at home in the CCTV-less expanse of the forest. You’ve penetrated your dirt bike at least once in the past 4 months. 

Canning Highway – you’re an Aldi brand Perth elitist driving along their discount bin Stirling Highway. All the agony of Stirling but with significantly lower property price medians. Every time you roll along Canning you can’t help to tear up at the memory of the 106. No one can blame you for that.  More Canning Highway HERE.

Forrest Highway – you’re driving a luxury 4WD that you don’t have a grip on and you’re about to ruin a parking attendant’s day at the Bunbury Farmers Market. You’re a right lane camping, Left lane merge blocking piece of shit that negative gears the hell out of a couple of Nedlands 2x1s that you consider too povo to let your children inhabit.

Graham Farmer Freeway – you would use your off hand in a game of soggy biscuit if losing the game meant you could sniff Paul Walker’s Fast & The Furious car seat one last time. Accordingly, your only ambition in life is getting impounded on a tunnel run. That or you apply the brake like an absolute cretin the moment the sky isn’t visible. More on the tunnel HERE.

Great Eastern Highway – you’re a salt-of-the-earth FIFO worker who lives his life between site, the Redcliffe Tav, and your duplex in Belmont. You’re always at least 3.5 cans of Jacks 6.9% down and believe the epitome of romance is wet-humping in the Crown Towers pool before making your room stink.  

Great Northern Highway – you’re only happy when you’re steaming drunk in the back of a party bus tearing towards another victim (winery). Your special ability is being extremely well practised at popping a road side squat but simultaneously unable to stop yourself from soaking your legs in your own winey juices. Your “party voice: could give Fran Drescher a Brazilian wax. 

Kwinana Freeway – your ankle bracelet is probably going apeshit as you attempt to navigate the clusterfuck of Freeway South. You have grown up with roadworks to the point where you know the workers by name. You are the personification of an E-Plate.

Leach Highway – you have terrible timing, in fact, you couldn’t time a minute at a clock party. As such you lie to yourself every free run that you’ll make those lights alas you never do. Not only is your timing off but you are still feeling lost & alone after they took away the licensing centre. Get a fkn grip.  More Leach HERE.

Mitchell Freeway – you’re a NOR sprawl ghoul who only truly feels alive when an EPL team sends a group of unenthusiastic players to kick a ‘football’ around at Perth Stadium. You are the precise reason why more lanes don’t equal smoother passage. You toilet clogging turd of a driver.

Reid Highway – you spend your day watering your driveway and now are jumping in your 1980s ute because you heard via your nephew (who is a gooda boy) that there is a sale on terracotta lions down the way in Malaga. Road rules mean nothing to you and you’ll park like you were in the spacious countryside of the old country aka anywhere you fkn like. 

Roe Highway – you don’t consider Mad Max Fury Road a fictional movie. You consider it a tutorial on how to conduct yourself on the road. You either shouldn’t be driving a truck or shouldn’t be allowed to drive near trucks. There really isn’t any in-between. 

South Western Highway – you enjoy a nice discreet route from Armadale to Bunbury. No doubt due to your expert cooking skills but you ain’t ever going to be on Masterchef if you catch my drift. 

Stirling Highway – all that generational wealth has left you hollow inside. You are numb and the only way you can fkn feel something is to torture yourself on the daily Stirling Highway commute. You sicko. You have a fantastic knack of always being in the worst lane despite the odds being 50:50. More Stirling HERE.

Tonkin Highway – you’re a disastrous mix of not being in a hurry and having no patience. This paradoxical mindset leads you to spend half your life on this stupid highway contemplating what life could’ve been if you didn’t decide to live in Ellenbrook. More Tonkin HERE.

West Coast Highway – you’re a mid 30’s turbo or turbette who is one drink-driving charge away from blowing the money they’ve been living off that they got from a tanning bed accident payout or some shit. You can be seen getting refused entry to The Lookout most Sundays. 

RELATED: REPORT: Perth Driver Doesn’t Have What It Takes For This Particular Freeway Exit

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay? Or consider becoming a Patron:

Become a Patron!