IN FOCUS: Supermarket Roast Chook

A hot roast chook has been an Australian staple for decades. A bird that unites unimaginative single parents, futureless uni students, bonged out bludgers and smoko-swine looking to dip their snouts in the discount trough.

At first glance, one may wonder why this bag of poultry is so popular. After clocking up a few hours in a dubious bain-marie it is typically sweatier than Pat Rafter’s headband.

Well, it’s that very moisture that makes this roast chook a crowd favourite. Every single piece will leave your chin dripping with enough salty juices you’ll think your single handidly solved the Fyre Festival’s water shortage.

A hot roast chook would turn even a culinary window licker into the Heston Blumenthal of chicken-related meals.

It didn’t matter if you were adding some to your 3-packet Mi Goreng feed to dull the pain of your poverty, or just facefucking the greasy bag like the inebriated piece of shit you are. You always have a profound feeling that you’re living your best life.

Kids these days talk about eating arse, but any hot chook connoisseur would run an absolute clinic on that delicious anus-bread they call stuffing. Who knows what it really was, but you’d leave that cavity cleaner than a Japanese toilet.

If the burden of dishes wasn’t your thing you probably tackled the roast chook the old school way – with a packet of plain white rolls and a jar of mayo (coleslaw if you are feeling exotic). This is widely regarded as a 3 Michelin Star feed of smoko.

Of course, this succulent meal hasn’t always been smooth sailing. Alas, we are simply refugees in the great roast chook price war. A war that involves supermarket titans playing with our hearts and appetites.

In 2016, Coles announced a price drop from $11 to $8. A nation’s jaw dropped faster than Twiggy’s pants at a green hydrogen themed hole of glory.

Woolies, not to be outdone by their competitor responded by dropping their price to $7.90. It was a big middle finger to Coles but a big win for society.

Sadly, Australia dried up faster than a hungover man’s mouth and drought was blamed for the great 2019 price hike – our favourite bird now setting us back $9.

Things didn’t look like they could get much worse, and then the supermarket overlords announced the birds would be costing $10. It was the double-digit death knell that drove a dagger of discontent into our bargain-loving bellies.

Never fear though, to enjoy the white flesh of frugality you simply need to swoop in as the supermarket is closing. If you time your assault just right, you can pick up a bird for $5 and enjoy the sweetest chicken & mayo rolls of your life – the secret ingredient is the savings made.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?