1. One can only retire a thong after suffering a critical blowout and not merely when it has morphed into a greasy extension of your footprint.

2. Never mess with a man wearing double pluggers. Anyone who takes their thong ownership that seriously has nothing to lose. 

3. Don’t mislabel your thongs double pluggers if they’re not. This is not a synonym for thongs. If you know, you know.

4. Similarly, never disrespect a man’s surfer joes or wide-loads. This man has reached a zen-like acceptance that sometimes comfort trumps style. He is at peace, so leave him at peace. 

5. Learn to run in them. Poor technique will see you hitting the kerb harder than American History X. Plus you’ll look like a dick.

6. Boycott establishments that don’t consider thongs proper footwear. You don’t need that kind of negative energy in your loooife.

7. Nothing will attract the female of your species more than a swift de-thong & slap to splatter an insect making a pest of itself.

8. Never tolerate your beloved footwear being referred to as “flip flops” or “jandals”. A g-banger is a g-banger and a thong is a thong. Refer to point 6 on how to deal with an argument about this.

9. Get your disgusting Hobbit feet under control. Nothing ruins a solid thong vibe more than a set of hooves that have been neglected like a Coles’ garden salad on the picnic table of life. 

10. Have a set of good “going out” thongs. Ideally, these will be what you brandish at fancy events like beach weddings or a weekend at Crown Towers.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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