Purge your body of its sins
While it’s not in the Bible, it is clear that smokin’ Joe and V-Plate’s Mary wanted people to celebrate the birth of JC by stuffing their faces like Takeru Kobayashi at a hot dog flavoured hole of glory.
Accordingly, yet another year of unadulterated gluttony has you re-enacting the exorcist in whatever unfortunate toilet you happen to be near. You may even get around to that glass of water you kept dodging yesterday.
Double down like a festive swine
More likely, you will gaze upon your sweaty, overindulged body and think, “this isn’t even my final form”. After all, it’s the golden day of leftovers. You won’t even need to apply a sniff test like you’ll do on day 4 of leftovers – aka the reckoning.
To truly wear the X-Mas pig crown you can’t just stop at eating. It’s a sunny day and your liver is crying out for another 20 beers, probably. With the unfortunate closure of Breakfest this year, you’ll have to give that jaw a workout in a pool environment – and don’t worry, no one notices that you don’t get out to have a slash, even after those 20 beers.
Ruin someone’s cricket experience
To some, test cricket is the holy grail of sports entertainment to others it is a cruel and unusual punishment. If you fall into the latter category, make sure to piss the living hell out of your cricket watching mates by expressing your wrong opinion.
Even better, bring some of the cricket knowledge you acquired from half-watching a few big bash matches and ruin cricket with your atrocious commentary. If you haven’t asked “who’s winning?” on the first day, then you haven’t gone hard enough. Filthy casual.
Reach breaking point at Boxing Day sales
What could be better than driving to your local shopping centre and competing with the who’s who of bargain hunting heathen who descend upon K-Mart each year to snag a discounted air fryer?
Manners and basic respect for human life are out the window when a colourful 20% off tag is in your sight. Your shopping experience isn’t finished until you’ve elbowed a child out of your way and ripped a Nespresso machine out of the hands of a weak pensioner. Ensure you save your most rabid beastery for the retail worker at the end of your cost-cutting rainbow.
Search for beach parking
If you are one of those families who has had the same great idea as every other family in Perth, you are probably heading for a heinously packed beach right now. If only it could be that easy?
Instead, you’ll spend most of your time searching for a parking spot while your kids serenade you with the song of the childish attention span.
This melody may just drive you insane and lead you to create your own parking space. A day at the beach isn’t complete without a ranger fine to tip you over the edge.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?