A regional WA footy club held grave concerns for their star full-forward after he announced that he was too hungover to slam down his usual pre-game 6-7 beers. A vital part of his preparation and success.
To make matters worse, the big orse was also too dusty to manage his pre-game “nerve settler” dart. Everyone thought it was going to be his first scoreless game in 13 seasons.
A fellow key forward who prides himself on always getting the easy pass to his star counterpart told The Times,
“You gotta understand that Big Jezza is built differently to us. He’s fuelled by bush chook, pies, and darts. In 2019 he kicked 17 goals in a grand final. He hadn’t slept from the night before and was already half a carton down before 10am”
Nevertheless, Big Jezza answered his critics by kicking 4 goals in the first half. He was on track for another heroic bag.
Big Jezza’s coach said he’d never seen a bloke lift after such a catastrophic disruption to his championship regime. Adding,
“He’s the Tony Lockett of playing footy pissed. So seeing him abandon his 4th can of bush chook halfway through this morning was pretty alarming. He got through the first half though and hit em with the razzle dazzle in the second”
Feeling a bit more like himself, Big Jezza was finally able to keep a couple of party pies down which allowed him to rehydrate with a long neck at half time. After releasing an ungodly belch the team knew he was back.
Finally froffed up sufficiently, Big Jezza tore the game apart. Netting 35 disposals, 10 goals and 34 shirt fronts.
It was indisputable Big Jezza had won the game despite all the odds being against him. He told The Times,
“Yeah, nah, I couldn’t believe I was out on the paddock sober. I didn’t even make lewd comments about the full back’s mum. Thought I was gonna have a mare but I didn’t”
Well said Big Jezza, time to get back on the horse and celebrate the only way you know how.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?