Dior can’t help to think she has done irreparable damage to her carefully curated “enlightened traveller” persona after a heavy 2 days of Snapchatting her debaucherous partying.
Unsurprisingly, her social media stories told a very different story from her indulgent feed posts. For example, her latest post is of her striking a yoga pose as the sunset over the beach. Captioned thusly,
“Opening my chakras to Mother Gaia as she welcomes me into her womb. My body is full of the goodness she provides and my heart bursting for her beautiful acceptance of my bodily temple. Thankyou for opening my eyes, all 3 #eatpraylove #yoga #canggu #ubud #spiritualtravel #balibible #chakra #bodyisatemple”
This was, of course, in stark contrast to the body shots she was doing off some German traveller’s 6-pack and grinding like an ice-enthusiast’s jaw on the Finn Club D-floor.
Her best efforts to delete the evidence that she was “holidaying like every other pissed up Australia” was futile. As waking up late meant her story had already been seen by most of her contacts.
She decided the only course of action was to take a day’s radio silence which she would later pass off as a silent retreat and then hit ‘em with an Acai bowl selfie by the pool. Surely, no one has ever gone to Canggu and had an Acai bowl if their spirit wasn’t pure, right?
So on the morning after her “silent retreat” she set a new human record for how long it takes to take a photo of your god damn breakfast. Enlisting the help of fellow “digital nomad” and “content creator” to get the angle just right.
After approximately 400 selfies and the kind of scrutiny that would like OTT on a merger between two fortune 500 companies, a photo was selected. She then hits her followers with some half-cocked faux-metaphysical dietary advice,
“Each morning your body cries out for nutrition and if you don’t listen to the subtle frequencies and vibrations from the universe you’ll miss what it’s asking for. This is not merely a meal this is paying homage to my soul forever bonded with my earthly form #eatpraylove #lovetoeat #worshipatmytemple #canggu #ubud”
She had truly outdone herself. Suddenly, the memories of her getting on a scooter with some drunk roided up farkwit to make a Maccas run to Kuta were replaced with calming thoughts of her perfect metabolic harmony.
After receiving lots of praise for eating a bowl of fruit & seed for breakfast she decides to fill her story with a detailed account of her so-called “silent retreat”. You know what they say, it isn’t a silent retreat unless you talk constantly about it after.
By the end of the day, she is satisfied her following has swallowed her story and under no circumstance think yesterday’s silence was to do with a healthy mix of shame & hangover.
That wouldn’t be a very good image to project if you wanted some organic food shop endorsement when you got back to Perth, would it?
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
