Woolworths & Coles urged to bring on a CEO who knows what a fair deal looks like

It’s indisputable that retail giants Woolworths & Coles are currently in major damage control mode after a damning report by ABC’s Four Corners.

Woolworths have sacked their Saffa CEO over his trainwreck interview and the Coles CEO is looking about as caring as a creature that eats its own young.

A top PR firm has approached both monopolists and told them that they really need to bring on the kind of CEO that knows what a fair deal looks like. To that end, how could you look past Mike Whitney?

For years, Mike Whitney roamed the streets of Australia making offers that people were unable to resist. Often using grocery staples to get a deal over the line. A PR expert told The Times,

“You know when you deal with Mike you are dealing with a straightshooter. He’s a no bullshit kind of guy and knows the value of a deal. When he tells you to cram as many SAO’s in your disgusting gob for $50 you do it because you know he’s bargaining in good faith”

We spoke to a farmer who said he’d deal with Whitney “everyday” over the slimey Woolworths scumbags they send to his farm to strongarm him into accepting a deal that will ultimately bankrupt him. Adding,

“I’m told Whitney would rock up and say that if I could ride that angry bull in my paddock rawhide for 30 seconds he’d double the offer on lamb to $8 a head. That’s the kind of man I want to deal with”

The PR experts said that while Whitney would be involved in striking fair deals with suppliers he’d also take his unique skill set store to store. Offering “dares” on the day to anyone who wanted to fatten up their shopping trolley.

We reached out to the king of deals who said he’ll always answer the call if Australia needed him.

You could learn a thing or two from Whitney, Colesworth.

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