WorkSafe Announce Statewide Blitz On Workplace Shit-Talkers

WorkSafe personnel will be patrolling sites with specialised listening equipment to identify workplace chat that satisfied their definition of hazardous drivel

This comes off the back of an independent report that found the level of incessant bullshit being spewed on work sites across WA could pose a serious risk to workers. In particular their ears and general levels of patience and concentration.

In one example, a scaffie had hijacked smoko for 10 sessions in a row to regale his coworkers of how many people he made piss on the weekend. Complete with spirited reenactments and sound effects. 

A worker subjected to days of this was interviewed and told the inspector, 

“It was pretty funny for the first couple of days. We all had a good laugh at him but then he wouldn’t stop. Just lie after lie while we’re trying to have a break. I went back to work so irritated after the 10th day I accidentally slice me thumb”

In another example, an ageing alpha male fitter had forced a couple of trade assistants to listen to a story of how he pretty much saved the construction of the Mandurah rail line back in the day with his bare hands and then banged 3 female tradies who worshiped him like a God. 

In that instance, he’d taken one apprentice away from his spotting role and WorkSafe arrived and issued fines. A spokesperson for WorkSafe told The Times,

“This was clear evidence that this man’s habitual need to talk shit got in the way of both his and the TA’s responsibilities on site. Perhaps if he hadn’t needed to tell such a huge whopper then the employer wouldn’t be thousands out of pocket”

Oneupsman and teller of tall tales, Dale said the blitz was classic nanny-state overreach and claims his status within the industry meant he was entitled to fill everyone’s ears with his delusional gibberish, adding,

“I come from a long line of shit talkers. My dad was a shit-talker, me granddad and so was me great granddad. All shit-talkers mate. Obviously, my stories are all true but I like to add some mayo to entertain the lads. Everyone gets around me and they love it”

However, this claim has been disputed by his leading hand who told The Times,

“No, he just does the roster so everyone politely laughs at his painful stories. Man, it’d be alright if they were occasional but every day a new 30 minute load of crap. You can tell it’s tiring the boys out and mistakes get made when blokes are tired”

Anyone found talking shit at levels considered hazardous will be given a warning and have to watch a 45 minute WorkSafe video on the benefits of truthful banter. After that, fines and even suspension are on the cards.