East Victoria Park is one of the hottest places to live right now. Find out how to survive a day out in the EVP.
1. Struggle with the Jelly Bean roundabout
Back when urban planners were petty and cruel, they decided it would be a good idea to throw Perth a slight curveball and make a jelly bean-shaped roundabout. Despite being no difference rule-wise, it seems to baffle people to the point of near-bingle mayhem every single day. Get on top of it!
2. Get a massive stiffy over EVP
When it comes to suburban pride, an EVP resident isn’t shy to sing the praises of their beloved suburb. In fact, they regard it not only as the best suburb in Perth but the world. Nothing shits them off more than those Lathlain flogs thinking they have it going on because the Eagles train there.
3. Go in search of your bubble bounty, Boba Fett
When one walks down Albany Highway one can be overwhelmed with a sense that there aren’t enough bubble tea joints. Maybe if you go and buy one the rest of the market will catch on and Albany can be a fully boba-serviced Highway. One can dream! More on the bubble tea situation HERE.
4. Get FroYo’s instead
Bubble tea not your thing? Well hop on the froyo bandwagon then and battle a mean case of brain freeze as you similarly wonder when Albany Highway will have adequate froyo representation! How dare someone have to walk 50m to get to one.
5. Pretend to be a foodie
Speaking of food trends, one doesn’t simply come to East Vic Park and not grossly overstate their culinary chops. After just 45 minutes in the suburb, you should fancy yourself an expert on a wide range of cultures and their cuisines. Go on, tell everyone they are saying Pho wrong, and then butcher it yourself, you sack of wannabe foodie shit. More on these guys HERE.
6. Get your Bali fix
The cost of living is hurting so you may not have got a chance to pop over to your favourite holiday island this year. So why not live the quintessential Aussie in Bali experience and wander past Bintang Cafe for some authentic food? But then end up going to Maccas anyway because you’re an uncultured swine.
7. Step up to the reverse parallel parking plate
Here’s the situation – it’s Sunday brunch, your friends are waiting for you at dim sum and there’s one park on Albany Highway left that toighter than Touk’s squirrel grip on Zorko’s tiny nuts. What do you do? Step up and have your name echoed into eternity or puss out like the coward you are? Reverse parallel parkaphobes can head to the car park of shame. More on these cowards HERE.
8. Vic Park Centre car park
Yeah, those who can’t handle the intensity of slipping one into Albany Highway’s toight little box can go and park in one of SOR most disgusting arenas of parking incompetence. Why? Fark knows mate, fark knows. Probably has something to do with most drivers either being high or geriatric.
9. Get some unexpected exercise after getting off at Oats Street
This is especially fun if you catch the train there at night. You’re always rolling the dice with Oats St so much sure you’ve got your running shoes on and fkn gocunt, go. It’s a solid 800m sprint to the relative safety of Albany Highway where you should find something to defend yourself. Don’t bother looking for a steak knife on an outside Grill’d table though, you won’t find one…
More Armadale line fun HERE.
10. Live the Castle dream on Hill View Terrace
See those big fuckoff powerlines on the border of St JAmes and EVP? Some might say they are a property value LOWERING structure. Not you though. You know that powerlines are a reminder of man’s ability to generate electricity. You really can’t ask for much more than that.
11. Evolve into your final old mate form at Franklins
One of the last Mohicans. A crusty pub filled with chunky goodness and characters galore. This is where you’ll finally ascend to a level 5 old mate. Feared from Meekatharra to Esperance. Has never met a middie of Swan he couldn’t finish. May or may not fight you over his bar stool.
12. Marvel at the cake bin
The EVP cake bin has been through a lot. When a motorist unceremoniously smashed into it in classic Albany Highway form. Never fear, she’s back and as cakey as ever so pay your respects. Maybe feed her a little something special. No another fkn Boba cup though. Be creative. Dispose of that little can of Woodstock you’ve been necking in true EVP style.
13. Make a late-night pig of yourself at the All Night Pizza Cafe
There are few things more iconic than getting over-refreshed at The Balmoral and then making an order at All Night Pizza Cafe that would make Takeru Kobayashi feel sick. Hey, it’s cheap and you have no self-control at this point so lose yourself in a frenzy of a meny spanning many different cuisines.
14. Take your Bunnings nuffery to the next level
Weekend warriors can barely handle a giant Bunnings Warehouse so imagine the mayhem of the same mouthbreathers navigating a far, far smaller DIY emporium. They should really make people sit an exam for a Bunnings’ trolley licence. Also, absolutely 0 chance you’re getting your Ford Ranger in and out of that car park with grace. Be the Bunnings nuffie you know you can.
THE HUMAN ZOO – Mr East Victoria Park
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
