Pace yourself Xmas Eve – one can be tempted to lose oneself in the liquid whimsy of Xmas eve. It’s not a crime but rolling into Xmas day looking like Fevola at a post-Brownlow HR meeting certainly is. You’ll never live down the shame of being unable to hold down the slightest piece of ham because you got totally Left Banked the night before.
Practice running in thongs – it never hurts to have a quick refresher in the art of running in thongs. It’s a big day and your unco kids still can’t throw back a tennis ball to save themselves. So, prepare for this contingency and don’t end up unceremoniously eating shit because you overestimated your running in thongs skills after a long winter off the task. More on thongs HERE.
Meditation for your inlaw’s shit opinions – the law of averages says that you will have at least one inlaw present spewing out shit opinions on any range of topics. From Australia’s batting order to the inevitable re-rise of crypto. Learn to go to your happy place and glide over these long, painful spiels from someone you’ll not have to see again until next year. More HERE.
Talking points for older relatives – similarly, come prepared with a few basic talking points about your life so you’re ready to answer the same questions 50 times throughout the day. Surely you’ve picked up one new hobby that isn’t getting blackout at the pub right? Right?
Practice functioning on a near fatal amount of food in your gullet – you’re a good time party python and you know Xmas day is a chance to gorge. Alas, basic human functions become far more difficult when you’re wondering if you can die of gravy poisoning. Practice talking, walking and bending over after an egregious amount of food the day before.
Bowl a few overs – one of the beauties of getting on in life is that the body really likes to let you know you’re a washed-up, stiff, hunk of shit that has no place living life to the max anymore. That’s unless you practice. Bowl a few overs in the net so you don’t end up with a broken arm after a day of acting like a far younger individual. More HERE.
Buy booze – yeah, it’s Good Friday all over again. No one wants to be the guy rocking up to Xmas and mooching the entire day. Which will be your fate if you forget to stock up on piss today or tomorrow. If you need a break from family activities jump on the Beer Economy and sell some unprepared bogan a carton for $100. Merry piss-mass you fkn idiot.
Practice gratitude – no one knows how they’ll react on the day when they open a present and it contains some mustard coloured jocks of Lynx shower pack. So, prepare for feigning gratitude by disappointing yourself in the lead up. Try getting a Fillet ‘o Fish delivered for dinner or something. Learn to grin through the pain.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?