While many Australians who forgot to stock up on piss felt the effects of not having an alcoholic bevvie for a day, local dads felt the pain of a far more insidious withdrawal. – Bunnings nuffie withdrawal.
Good Friday is the hardest day of the year for Aussie dads who are unable to comprehend having a day off and not visiting Bunnings to cosplay being competent tradesmen.
We spoke to Clance who spent the better part of yesterday curled up into the foetal position on the shower floor with cold water flowing onto his shaking frame. He told The Times,
“I’m over the hump now but it was rough yesterday. My wife told me to stay strong and give Bunnings a miss today but I’m an addict man I had to have a taste of that sweet, sweet, timber tapping with my non-steel cap work boots”
Not only was Clance waiting at the entrance for the store to open but he vowed to irritate staff with his weekend warrior questions up until the sausage sizzle was ready to go.
We tracked down another dad who had a look of much greater shame on his face. He was checking out some deals on reticulation when he told us,
“My neighbour actually works at Bunnings and in a delirious state I told him I’d perform certain acts on his deck if he just gave me the key. Let me look around. I was going to polish his deck like it’d never been polished before. Nice and slow, the way he likes it, that way you get a better finish without the risk of any deck damage”
A truly chilling recount of a man undergoing severe Bunnings withdrawal symptoms.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
