Massive “normal baby name” bonus on the table for parents in this year’s WA budget

It has been revealed that Marko’s 2023-24 WA budget will hit big for those getting exhausted navigating the raft of absurd names that seem to ambush our eyes & ears every waking minute of the day. We understand the baby name bonus policy was dreamt up after reports a Perth couple named their twins Ford & Raptah.

Drawing on inspiration from the traditional “baby bonus”, new parents will be given a cash incentive to refrain from choosing a name that blatantly disrespects the English language. A WA Government spokesperson told The Times

“This Government is committed to allowing parents a certain poetic licence. We’re all for it. Life should be fun but what we want to see less of is names like Ahmiracle, Jaxx’sin, Moneyca, Raptah etc”

Under the scheme, parents can submit their child’s birth certificates for assessment and if successful will walk away with a voucher for Hogs Breath Cafe, a commemorative ashtray and vintage Big Mouth Billy Bass to be mounted on the wall of their baby’s room. 

We spoke to a Rockingham couple who had originally planned to name their child “Tamorrah”, they told The Times,

“Would’ve been sick bro, people be like, cya Tamorrah and she could always say, IFS YAS LUCKY. BOOM! Yeah but I really want that singing fish and fangin’ for a surf & turf so Tamara it is”

Government policymakers describe small victories like that as “exactly why they did it”, adding,

“How long until young Tamorrah can’t stand to even hear that joke play out? I’d wager a few months after she learns to understand English. Dumb baby names may seem funny now but these children have to grow up with them. Give them a fkn chance”

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However, some are describing the policy as elitist and snobby. A claim WA denies. As the spokesperson told The Times,

“Incorrect, we are also offering a similar reward for affluent parents to stop that naming their kid after themselves bullshit. George, George Jnr, George Jnr the 3rd. It has to stop. We’d go after those family rings too but that would be an overreach”

Instead of a Hogs Breath voucher, those types will be offered a no questions asked green light to have a “suspicious vehicle” towed from their street. Probably to be redeemed during Sculptures by the Sea. 

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