Kids love the Perth Royal Show but with cost of living pressure it’s never been a worse time to splash cash. So why not throw your own Perth Royal Show in your backyard? Here’s how.
1. Get the proper Show parking experience
Just because you’re having the Royal Show in your backyard doesn’t mean you have to miss out on aggravating a snob with your very existence.
Load up the car as you normally would and park on the lawn of that stuck-up neighbour who thinks having 2 storeys and shitbucket boat negates the fact he lives in Belmont with you!
2. Attract an authentic crowd
Your kids are probably less stupid than you think. They know the real appeal of the Royal Show is to be sardine-canned around the who’s who of Repco clearance sale. So how do you replicate this vibe?
Easy, make a FB post about putting boxes of sports memorabilia you bought off the telly in the 90s on the verge. When the scabs descend upon you in great numbers invite them in for a crop dust and a hotdog.
3. Run a prized-Uncle parade
The Royal Show has its roots in agriculture and to pay homage to that you invite as many of your hairy, fat uncles to volunteer for a parade.
Your kids can pat them and even feed them their favourite treat (Chicken Twisties) before one uncle is crowned the winner on the day. Just make sure you get around to this event before they’ve had too many. You don’t want a repeat of Xmas.
4. Sideshow alley
Teach your kids the valuable lesson that life is largely rigged against them. Watch their self-esteem crumble as they try to figure out how they can’t beat a seemingly easy game! Then get your carnie on and humiliate them while you magically turn their $5 into a 5c plastic toy you got from The Reject Shop.
Remember, the fun only stops when your kid is in tears. With any luck your prized uncles should be boozed up and will come storming over to prove a point. Watch out as they might fight you over the rigging.
5. Food & drink
It wouldn’t be the Royal Show if you didn’t give your kids acute sugar poisoning before reducing their intense energy levels with some fried food that will make them feel like Clive Palmer after his first fridge raid on Boxing Day.
Luckily, all those disgusting social media videos you’ve saved of cretins air frying bacon wrapped cheese will finally get a run! Make sure to share your life-shortening creations with FB groups after for extra validation.
6. Hills Hoist and a few occy straps
Replicate that, “no fkn way am I stepping on that death trap” feeling at home with a simple hack. Secure your kids onto a Hills Hoist with a few occy straps and send them around as fast as you can.
Make sure you do the rides AFTER you’ve filled them to the brim with air fryer offerings to make sure your backyard resembles the Clubba bathroom after the 2006 AFL Grand Final. Now that’s an authentic experience!
7. Wood chopping
Everyone loves watching those country football full forwards let out their frustration at the decline of B&S ball culture on an innocent log. One of Australia’s great traditions, so you simply must include this element in your day. But how?
Easy! What a perfect time to get ahead of next winter’s wood for your fireplace. Organise a delivery and trick your kids into thinking they are having fun while chopping a tonne of solid jarrah. It’s win-win.
8. Show bags
Firstly, you’ll want to buy your lollies & chocolates a few days early and leave them under the microwave or whatever the Show does to make them so inedible when they come in a show bag. Bonus points if you can buy bags past their use-by date too.
Next, you’re going to want to pre-sabotage the toys so they only last as long as the walk to your car. Remember you only parked a few doors down so make sure the sabotage job is good enough. Finally, fake a screaming argument with someone pretending to be the Bertie Beetle showbagman for limiting how many you can buy. AUTHENTIC!
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?