10 ways to go full Perth this long weekend

1. Pay homage to the try King of the North

This long weekend is for the King’s Birthday. However, everyone in Perth knows who the true King of the North is – ol mate Neptune in Two Rocks, of course! How do you pay homage to our lord? Easy, by making a sacrifice of an empty Gatorade billie like his local Two Rocks disciples do every weekend. Please go up soon or he may smite us all. Read more HERE.

2. Lose the will to live at the Royal Show

There is no event like the Royal Show that makes you ask yourself, “do I actually love my children?” Enjoy the price gouging and be left in constant wonderment that the attendees manage to smell more like animals than the actual animals do. Oh, and no promise of Bertie Beetles to get you over the line either. Disgusting! Or throw your own Royal Show. Full guide HERE.

3. Take out your life frustrations on a WAFL player

The WAFL Grand Final at Optus Stadium is going to be a cracker. Peel Thunder v East Freo will be in the centre but it’s you who they are really competing against. You’ll have to project your voice a bit louder given you can’t get as close to them as you normally would but that’s no reason not to call them a useless little cunny who you’ll be following home later because they kicked a point.

4. Avoid Collingwood supporters

This goes without saying. It was a disgusting victory over GWS last night and unfortunately, WA has enough Collingwood fans to make any chit-chat about footy extremely hazardous this long weekend. Luckily most should already be in police custody after their unique brand of “celebrating”. So it should be all good.

5. Go camping 

Only suckers pay for accommodation down south. Real Western Australians camp in the right lane on Forrest Highway instead. You will be joining a large community of campers who are keen to talk about how their Prados are true off road vehicles. You’ll also help each other avoid a double demerit battering because you’re clogging that bad boy up something cruel. A how-to guide HERE.

6. Relive your glory days at Andy C

There is no better event for an old DnB warhorse to trot out his best festival shorts and relive the glory days at Andy C – one of the godfathers of the genre. Make sure to wheel out those dance moves that had people wondering if you were half man, half energizer bunny with electrodes connected to your sack. Don’t forget to tell anyone who will listen that the pingaz were better back in your day too.

7. Bankrupt yourself on an Uber home from Listen Out

They say the best thing about going to a festival in Joondalup isn’t the fact you get to party with hundreds of eshay-Adjacent fence jumpers, it’s because you get to empty your savings account on your lift back to the big smoke after! Uber drivers will be proving why they are no different to the taxi industry in force this evening. Watch out!

8. Make a winery worker really earn their money 

What a wonderful weekend for a wine tour. Be the change you want to see in the world and add to the untreatable trauma that every winery employee carries with them. Hey, it’s your day Tammy! Don’t go thinking you have to treat these people like humans or anything crazy like that. Every white and then every red and hurry up because Tammy needs to chuck a squat! Don’t be like this lady.

9. Take the time to visit nan in the home to ask her to take a demerit hit for you

This goes without saying. Double demerit is always a stressful time of the year for the State’s grandparents. It’s also a damn good excuse to go and visit the lonely old bat. You can even make a deal to stop pinching their good meds if they’ll just take another 6 point hit for you, you scumbag.

10 Wallow in self pity because you got too excited last night

This is the classic way to celebrate any longer weekend. Doing such a number on yourself on the first night that most of the remaining days are a dull pain in your arse. You are probably in this state right now and wondering how many more Maximus sports drinks it will take to feel human again.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?