Make a killing on booze this Good Friday – in the turbulent sea of ill-prepared alcoholics, you shine like a lighthouse of opportunistic price gouging. Load up on some extra piss today and wait for the inevitable mouth-breathing dugongs to wash up on the shore of the Perth Beer Economy and offer their first born for a carton of that sweet, sweet Emu Export (Mr I Forgot Booze on Good Friday).

Join the Western Suburbs migration Douth – to get away from Perth, one must sit in bumper to bumper Perth traffic, to enjoy a weekend down south surrounded by so many people from Perth, they may as well rename Dunsborough, South-Cottesloe. Enjoy constant games of vehicular Tetris as the hordes of weekend warriors show what their luxury 4wds can do in those winery car parks (In Focus: Driving Down South).

Double demerit blaze of glory – if you can’t cop a double demerit paddling on a trip douth why not enjoy some of the action at home. There will be plenty of people out on the roads and that means more witnesses to your sikkkk burnout skills. So hang that arm out of your shitkicker-chariot and drive like no one is relying on you for transport (Mr Perth Hoon)

Line up for fish & chips to satisfy your nagging catholic guilt – sure, you wouldn’t normally line up for 2 hours to get a seat at Kailis Fish & Chips, but this isn’t like other days, it’s Good Friday, and for who knows what reason you are choosing to honour a tradition of a religion you don’t really observe. Jokes on Jesus though, you love lining up, any excuse will do!

Tear the house down with a ham sandwich zinger – remember that time you posted an atheist meme and it literally blew the undies off every single female in a 5km vicinity? Well, wait until you post a photo of your half gnawed, packet Dorsogna ham sandwich – you’re a free thinker, no religion tells YOU what to do, man.

Lose yourself in the abyss of gluttony  – there isn’t much else to do other than stuff your gullet like a French goose farmer. Of course, this is the gameplan every year but this time it’s different – there is no pressure to fit into your going out clothes anytime soon. Be the disgusting pig you so sorely want to be.

Overdo it partying – if eating isn’t your thing you can always stuff your party snout in other ways. By the Sunday you should be feeling like the protagonist in a Government PSA against the pitfalls of living life to the max. Inevitably, you’ll return to work on Tuesday feeling like an over-microwaved bowl of slopghetti. Don’t be too hard on yourself, 4 days can seem like a lifetime when you don’t really think things through.

Ensure your house is egg-hunt safe – look it’s not a crime to indulge in some substances or get a bit weird in the bedroom during these crazy, boring times. However, if you are planning to treat your kids to an egg hunt make sure they don’t find daddy’s little pegging kit.

Do nothing – you’ve made over 15 FB posts asking people what’s open. Could they be ignoring you because despite your glaring inadequacies they reckon you would probably handle a Google search? Nah, it’s just like you reckoned, nothing is farken open, and even if it was, there’s no way you’re paying a surcharge. Best to just sit in your depressing hovel and lament how much you hate public holidays.

Bin Day Roulette – this is Christmas all over again. Join the rest of your neighbours as you collectively lose your shit at the council’s inability to honour your sacred bin day. Didn’t Jesus die for our bins? While you’re waiting for order to be restored, have a game plan for those prawn shells – lest you stink up your street like John West’s reject pile… again.

Documenting the Human Zoo is hungry work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle an Easter Egg, ay?

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