More and more boomers sniffing around – a millennial wanting to buy a property is like a drop of blood in the real estate ocean. It will almost instantly attract roaming boomers and before you know it you have a priced-out feeding frenzy on your hands. Watch out for those slow-driving LandCruisers checking out homes for sale.
The pub takes away the bar stools – like beach umbrellas on the shore of change, old mates and local drunks are the first to be wiped out by the tsunami of gentrification. You’ll notice your local pub shift away from bar stools and rejig the layout to “minimise” the “impact” the TAB patrons have on the new gen of patrons. Simply put, no one wants to hear “COMEEEONNNNCUNNNTTTTT” while enjoying a plate of seasonal, organic, ethically sourced salad.
The local staffy population begins to shrink – a keen eye can pick the early signs of gentrification a mile away. Notice the shifting population of staffy slowly moving towards dogs that cost as much as your shitbox car that gets reported every other week by some concerned neighbour. More on the dog situation HERE.
That pothole you have an affectionate nickname for got fixed – multiple generations of your family have blown tyres in ol’ Nessie. Now someone has actually come and fixed her? How dare they fill her hole behind your back. You feel violated.
A group of 15 who look like they got lost on the way to Melbourne rent out the pad next to you – as suburbs gain amenities they begin to attract large nests of pretentious wankers who couldn’t handle Melbourne. They will often swarm in large groups to cover the rent. After all, DJ’ing at Norwegian funk warehouse silent discos doesn’t pay that well. Yet.
Bottlo: RTD section begins shrinking, non-cask wine section starts growing – there is a direct relation between the size of your local bottlo’s RTD section to the probability of police actually rocking up when you call them. As your burb gets gentrified you’ll see the RTD section shrink and a “focus shift” away from wine in a box. You may even see some fancy foreign names on those bottles.
Class of Emu drinker changes – remember those hipsters from before? Yeah, well they’ll be flying the bush chook flag in your burb from now on. The proper Emu drinker, the Emu drinker who would push his own mother down the stairs for a can after a long day of wearing HiVis for no reason has been moved on. Shame.
Frozen yoghurt shop pops up – yeah the yuppies aren’t just content with filling your local IGA with a myriad of foreign yoghurts but they also want them on the main strip. In ice form. Once you see one of these bad boys pop up it’s far too late and you should question your own observation skills to have got this deep. Or Bubble Tea.
A market will pop up – the marauding hordes of gentrifiers love the perception of civility that a local market or seasonal night market brings. It tells the world, we don’t live in a godforsaken shithole, we live in an up ‘and coming area which will see healthy returns on our investment. Just ignore the crime reports. It’s a transition OK.
Your burb suddenly starts appearing in those cash-for-comment sites & TikToks – when this starts to happen you really know you’ve gone and fuckedup. Suddenly, your neighbourhood has a cool, chic vibe that some 20-year-old is “totally obsessed with” and is “here for”. You’ll also be featured in TikToks. What’s the result of that you may say? Yes, more idiots flooding in, way more.
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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?