You Exhausted your actual sick days
We get it, you’re a good time party swine. In fact, you’re a disgusting pig. You can’t keep your snout out of the party treat trough and now you lay in a dopamine-less void under the doona on yet another Monday. Sure you aren’t virally ill, but you sure as shit aren’t healthy. Accordingly, you have no days left to take.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not a hero
Just as brave men sacrificed their lives to clear the Chernobyl RBMK’s reactor of graphite, so too has Karen come into work to leave passive-aggressive notes about dirty sponges in the kitchen. She is a hero. Listen to her bang on about how the workplace would fall apart without her, and how she deserves a medal of fucking valour for her bravery in the face of the common cold.
You’ve got the black lung pop
Of course, the common cold is infectious and debilitating in its own right, but you are far braver than that, as you came to work with INFLUENZA. Not really, but you like telling people you have the flu because you either don’t know the difference or it sounds gnarly. Of course, if you did have it then you should be quarantined and hosed down, not for any viral control measures, but as punishment for being a dangerous fuckhead.
The Mucous Orchestra
Your work bin is beginning to look like the Kleenex graveyard under a 14-year-old’s bed. Every 5 seconds you snort with the fury of a stockbroker on a Friday arvo but produce a noise far more akin to cleaning out a fleshlight with a sea cucumber. Make no mistake, every time you choose to play the song of your sinuses your workmates dream very vividly about inflicting unspeakable acts of cruelty upon you.
Sharing is Caring
There is no point denying you’re sick when you are conducting a mucous orchestra so you may as well own it. See, viruses are like a cougar’s legs at Crown Casino, it doesn’t take much for them to spread. For a species that has almost been wiped out by disease multiple times, we sure don’t learn our lesson.
Blame the Flu Shot
Can an inactivated virus cause an infection? No. Of course, your niece’s friend’s dad got the flu after getting a shot, and you’ve read some pretty compelling memes on the subject. Peer-reviewed memes at that – shared by at least 7 of your cretinous friends. So you continue to tell everyone at work that you’re pretty sure you contracted your mild common cold as a direct result of an influenza vaccine shot. Don’t be this guy.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?