Why I’m A Hero For Going To Work Sick This Flu Season

I hear a lot of so-called “expert” advice that you shouldn’t be going to work sick. You should “stay home”. Well, having climbed the admin ladder for 20 years I can tell you that’s a load of cat litter. Here is why I should go to work sick and why you should be applauding me for doing so. 

This isn’t man-flu it’s proper deliberating, contagious shefluenza – let’s just get one thing straight. I’m not coming to work with some exaggerated head cold. No, every orifice of my body is gushing contagious goo. I would be better suited to an Ebola quarantine tent than the office. 

Coming to work in that kind of state takes true gumption and speaks to my character. You, a slacker, would probably take a day off with just gastro. I’d shit & puke my way through that day until the shared toilets looked like a microwave after a lava cake explosion. You can’t teach that sort of strength. 

The office will fall apart without me – in my mind, I’m the only thing stopping this successful business going into administration. How could any of you morons be trusted to complete minor administrative tasks? If I don’t come to work we’ll all be out of a job. 

Plus who will police the kitchen? If I’m not there for even a day the kitchenette will turn into a petri dish of bacteria and the entire office would get sick. We don’t want that, do we?

Setting an example for the snowflake generation – not only am I here to save the day but my presence while coughing & sneezing non-stop sets the right example for the younger staff. 

Once they see how easy it is to come into work sick, they won’t dream of trying to slack off and get a day off. If they do, I’ll force them to get a medical certificate. Yep, even for half a day off. I don’t care, no one recuperates in isolation around here. 

I need my sick days for when I can enjoy myself – if I haven’t already convinced you to give me a medal this will seal the deal. I am giving you an expert guide on how to game the system. Why waste a sick day when all I can do is lay and bed and feel miserable?

Instead, I’ll use those sick days strategically and extend my long weekends when I run out of annual leave. What a genius move, right? They don’t call me the admin queen for nothing. 

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