Home Hot Takes From the Zoo IN FOCUS: Holden Barina

IN FOCUS: Holden Barina

Apparently, “Barina” is an indigenous word for summit. Which is ironic given these bad boys are nowhere near the peak of any metric of success. While trench would’ve been a more suitable name it can’t be argued that we don’t hold Barinas high in our hearts. Love them or hate them, they are an Aussie icon.

See, Holden had a dream and that dream was to slap a Barina badge on any shitbox hatchback GM had the audacity to produce. Suzuki Cultus, Opel Corsa, Daewoo Kalos have all been given the highest honour in the game – wearing the Barina guernsey.

That dream was kept alive from 1985 – 2018, after which Holden destroyed their own brand in a blaze of glory. In that time, two key types of drivers became etched into our collective conscious – babes and geriatric menaces.

Perhaps a better name for these rigs would be the Hatchbacks of Notre Dame. Students love them. Mainly because parents loved them and that’s because the low price tag helped soften the blow of the expensive Notre Dame fees they were wasting on their ambition-ly-challenged child.

You will never see anyone love a Barina quite like an 18-year-old girl studying a useless degree. Such is this inexplicable love for the cars, the owner will often refer to their Barina by a specific name. It’s no longer a car to them it’s their best friend.

Like all good relationships, the pair go through all the ups and downs of life together. If you’ve ever been rear-ended in a make-up related bingle you’d better believe that a Barina is side by side the offending driver. In fact, Barinas have seen more young girls cry than Justin Bieber looking at the front row of his concerts.

It’s not just young P platers that enjoy the car. It’s also fully grown tradesmen. In the law of averages, you’re going to get more bang for your leering buck if you make the effort to stare directly into hatchbacks at any opportunity.

They are a beacon for the pesty tradie keen to take his eyes off the road and have a good old rubberneck. Again causing more accidents. Barinas – taking more cars off the road than a light Perth storm.

Similarly, based on the law of averages, if there isn’t a young lady in the car you are probably going to spot an 88-year-old driver that should’ve given up their licence when John Farnham announced his first retirement.

Without fail, this geriatric menace will make your life on the road harder. While you feel a bit sorry for them the red mist will come over you when you see a Barina turning a corner slower than a sloth crawling to his mother-in-law’s tree.

There you have it. Long live the Barina but contrary to popular belief, little Betsy won’t be worth a million bucks in 20 years. Accept your Barina probably isn’t a collector’s item and probably not your ticket out of the cesspit of employment.