Celebrating after being resurrected from a seedy tomb is a feeling a lot of Easter revellers can relate to. For most, this tomb is the sweaty sheets wrapped around them from yet another night milking every single ounce of fun from the long weekend.
Naturally, all the religious overtones of Easter have been whittled away to just another long weekend where the aim of the game is to stuff your face like a divorced mummy blogger on a tour of Willy Wonka’s factory.
Every year, the Easter Bunny makes a special point of showing his disdain for your gluttonous family by leaving the chocolate equivalent of rabbit droppings in a bowl on your kitchen bench.
These generic chocolate eggs are typically bought in bags of 100 and no matter when they are purchased they never seem to be fresh. Rather than creamy deliciousness, they take you on a journey of soviet era rations confectionary.
Before you get to the underwhelming chocolate you must first remove the foil. A seemingly easy task unless these little Chernoyble eggs have been melted a bit under the hot WA sun. Then the foil manages to form a bond with the chocolate that is stronger than an Orangutan’s public wankgrip.
They are probably most famous for their ability to outlast civilisation itself. In the same vein as a fruit cake, these bad boys will stay at roughly the same level of average enjoyability for months after Easter passes.
They may not be fancy but they are reliable. They will still be there for you after you’ve added all those Lindt bunnies to your diabeetus bank. In fact, they often defy the laws of food spoiling altogether. Accordingly, no one truly knows if they are digging into a freshly replenished stock of the eggs they didn’t get around to eating last year.
Another positive of these cheap chocolates is their size. They make for fantastic egg hunt treats because they’ll keep the loud, annoying children searching for longer and thus allowing you more time to enjoy the true spirit of Easter – gin.
Don’t fill up on too many this Easter because once you arrive back at work on Tuesday you’ll likely find a bowl sitting there too. Next to the 5-day old hot cross buns that are just about to turn bad. What a treat and just what you need after returning to work feeling like a microwaved bowl of shit.
Documenting the Human Zoo is hangry work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle an egg, ay?