There are a few sounds that are synonymous with X-Mas – the seasonal croonings of Michael Buble, the drunken slur of an excited uncle and of course the feigned enthusiasm of receiving a Lynx gift pack from a relative that really couldn’t care less if you lived or died.
As December hits, hordes of aunts roam the aisles of K-Mart looking for updated Live, Laugh, Love decor to spruce up their dwellings for their festive hosting duties. Out of their eye they will spot their prey on the shelf. $7 for the twinner and $13 for the fan-dangled deluxe pack. Irresistible.
Using her trolley like a spear, this suburban shopping centre Maasai warrior will charge in and disperse the capri-panted lions from her target. Seizing the sweet meat of shit giftery and feasting upon the savings.
She will return from her hunt with one for every male relative. Regardless of their age. Anyone who has copped a whiff of a Lynxed up cockhead at a Scarborough bar knows that the powerful spray doesn’t discriminate. Neither does your aunt.
What makes the Lynx gift pack such a heinous act of passive aggressive gifting is the implication it carries with it. While the gift giver probably didn’t put too much thought into it, there is a strong implication that this is the kind of ovary scrambling musk you would wear.
Not only does the scent smell like bottled silk boxer shorts but its failure to stop perspiration infuses into the very DNA of the spray and mutates into a stank that makes a TransPerth bus seat smell like Chanel No.5.
The nostril pain-train doesn’t stop there though. Oh no, as the gift pack includes a body wash. Which is perfect if you needed an extra level of protection against the possibility of flirtations from potential mates.
Again, perfect if you want to infuse your body in pure contraception. Sure is cheaper than buying a box of frangers. However, if you’re looking at getting your sack down a couple of chimneys this method isn’t advised.
If you happen to fall victim to a Lynx gift pack this X-Mas remember to leave the box perfectly intact. One man’s garbage is another man’s scent profile- so re-gift it to someone who you feel is doing no favours to humanity by having their genetic spear gun aimed at what’s left in the depressing gene pool of life.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a Lynx gift pack, ay?