Well, once again the cruel rotisserie of life has you over the morning coals and you’ve gone and cooked the bloody chook again.
You are unrested, unmotivated and proven yet again to be unwilling to accept the benefits of a restful weekend. You are not alone. Here is some key advice to get you through
Muting on Social Media – Social media can be a minefield of depressing upbeat content. F45’ers, inspirational memes and the inevitable photos from the rich people you know that seem to be one never ending holiday.
Frankly, you don’t need that kind of positivity in your life. Similarly, the last thing you need to see on your pre-work scroll is a god damn Minion meme. Pobody is Nerfect, especially not the human pustule who has burst all over your feed and exposed you to chunky pus of boomer content.
Go easy on the coffee – Grabbing a coffee is an excellent way to kill 5 minutes of your day and also give you a quick pick up. However, overdoing the pep juice can be a one way ticket to hell.
Should you overindulge that pleasant buzz will turn into a spiralling rollercoaster of fear, self-loathing and anxiety. All the shit from your weekend will start flooding back like a broken toilet and you will be left to marinate in the stink of your own poor weekend decisions. You’ve been warned.
Humble yourself – I would never normally advise one seeks out a work-boomer for a chat but these are extraordinary circumstances. Your goal is to set one off on a tirade about how hard they hard it growing up. It should’t take long, just ask them about drinking out of a hose or street lights or whatever.
After just a few minutes you’ll be overcome with a cathartic high. No matter how bad you feel, you’ll never have it as bad as the boomer reckons they had it. There is solace in that.
An unlikely sanctuary – Speaking of toilets, any worker worth their salt should be aware of the best toilets in the building or site. Bodily functions aside, a long and undisturbed sit on the can is the closest thing to love you will feel all day. No one can bother you while you have that door locked.
No one will ask questions about a long session either. Should someone break the unspoken rule of toilet timing, simply pat your stomach and say, “leftover KFC” – conversation over. Enjoy your sanitation cave as you play some games on your phone or give the single barrel pork shotty a blast if that strokes your boat.
Create lists – There is nothing like writing a list of tasks that you will probably never get around to doing. This isn’t some shabby single dad’s shopping list, take some damn pride. Use the stationery you have around you.
This list is your Sistine Chapel and you are Proscrastelangelo. Bask in the beauty of your list of tasks – the only thing more important than impressive time management is the appearance of impressive time management. Make sure your boss gets a good gander at that list.
Have a little game of hide & seek.com – Utilising the awesome power of Google incognito, openly browse for better work opportunities while on your company’s dime. If you have reached the stage where your give-a-shit-plantation is fresh out of crops, then just use a normal search.
Of course, you’ll probably remain in the piece of shit job you currently have because of the inertia of life – but hey, why can’t you Bradbury it in to better gig? Dare to dream, dare to put your middle finger up at HR and then ride off into the distance like the unemployed steed you so long to be.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?