Local sicko doesn’t want Shepard avocado season to end

The nation’s sickest puppies have entered a state of seasonal depression as Shepard avocado season comes to an end.

Typically, well-adjusted human beings favour the creamy decadence of the Hass avocado. These are the sort of people you’d let watch your children and they thrive from May to January.

Conversely, those who belong on some kind of Government watchlist only feel alive when they can forcefully try to smear the firm fruit over a disgusting piece of wholemeal bread, or whatever these so-called people eat.

We spoke to a Shepard avo enthusiast who had just finished stomping a fresh steamer down their shower drain. He told The Times,

“I like the way the flesh feels on my lips. Hass avocados are for people who haven’t come face to face with their inner void. Their perpetual darkness”

Yeah, certainly want to talk to this guy for longer. Alas, we skipped further conversation before we were led into a room covered in cling wrap.

To get the other side of the argument, we tracked down a man who had recently ended his relationship with his partner over the look that appeared in her eyes when she got her laughing gear around a Shepard.

He told The Times,

“It’s just not the kind of person I want to raise a kid with, you know? Kids are very impressionable and should be surrounded by good influences. I say this as a man who runs an underground dogfight ring in his backyard”

Alas, Shepard freaks will have about two weeks left to enjoy their substandard avocados before normality falls over society once again.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?