IN FOCUS: Dealing With a Mate With Invisible Lats Syndrome

Invisible Lats Syndrome (ILS) typically affects males aged between 18-45 and can strike after their very first weights session or purchase of Muay Thai shorts. Say goodbye to the friend you once knew and welcome ol Terry 2-canoes into your life.

Sufferers develop symptoms rapidly after first being exposed to the delusional affliction and are not limited to simply walking around like you raided a watermelon farm. In fact, the gorilla-swagger is just the tip of the cuntberg.

Horrific scenes play out in every wet mess, construction site and gym across the land every day. Grown men opt to slightly skew their bodies to pass through doorways rather than lower their arms like a normal functioning human being.

Similarly, once balls deep in the cruel effects of ILS, the afflicted is almost duty-bound to smirk at fellow gym-goers weight loads and grunt out their own sets like cave troll squeezing out a hobbit log through his cave-haemorrhoids.

What’s worse, is ILS is also commonly seen to affect the person’s speech. Suddenly, ol’ squeaky-McGee is talking like a Ving Rhames on a naughty hotline. Of course, it’s not just tone that’s affected it’s also subject matter.

See, ILS infiltrates a sufferer’s personality. They may be happy to speak about the same things as you but differently than before. Instead of discussing the footy games on the weekend, it will be about how AFL players are soft kents that couldn’t lat raise as much as him.

Although they’d much rather talk about UFC, cryptocurrency or their plans to buy a Harley. They will slowly become obsessed with these topics but remarkably never speak about them with any real knowledge.

Perhaps counterproductively, ILS also draws its victims towards tight shirts and string singlets. This is where the full extent of the delusion can be seen. Or not seen, as it were. It’s not easy to hide the fact you don’t have bulging laterals when your skin tight Givenchy long sleeve shirt is selling you out.

This is why ILS sufferers will often wear a bum bag across the front of their chest to help obscure at least one fraudulent lat. The bum bag also serves as a beacon for anyone wanting to talk to a guy who claims to know bikies and can get a bitta gear for you.

Currently, there is no known cure for ILS but surely a vaccine is being worked out. After all, you could not find a better target market for a jab given their penchant for needles. All one must do is develop a 2 in 1 juice/vaccination and the uptake rate would be truly impressive.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle some steroids, ay?