It was a day like any other for a regional caravan park in WA’s far north. After dealing with a lengthy complaint from a family that should’ve just gone to Bali, the owner began a typical re-supply mission of the park’s facilities.
Given the complaining family tried to swindle a 90% discount because the human-heifer of a mother claimed there was no toilet paper after her 3rd generous bodily deposit for the day, the man decided to put extra rolls in the toilet..
He would come to regret this decision as he told The Times,
“I put about 20 rolls in both the men’s and ladies toilets. I knew it was a few too many but these people shit like farm animals. Thought it’d save me some time. How could I be so stupid”
A mere 3 hours after restocking the rolls, the owner went on a little patrol to see if anything needed cleaning. What he found shocked him to the core. Every roll was pilfered but how did it happen?
Local authorities will allege that a grey convoy of Perth’s finest retirees convened in a ring of camping chairs on the 6th of September to plan their most ambitious heist to date.
Upon hatching their plan, one of the 11 boomers was sent to run interference – by way of rabbiting on to the owner about the plight of the self-funded retiree while also complaining about people beeping him on the road.
What the owner didn’t realise is that he was talking to an absolute master of wasting people’s precious time. While he droned on and on the heist went down.
Each member of “Metamucil’s 11” stuffed as many rolls as they could in their bags and loaded up the swag in each of their caravans. 40 odd rolls of toilet paper in one fell swoop.
And they would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for the ringleader’s insatiable lust for TP and incomprehensible battler-complex. A member of the grey-gang told The Times,
“We had enough to make it back to Perth but he kept saying that society owed him so much for all his years of service. He pulled into a roadhouse and told me to wait here, he’d be back”
What he didn’t realise was that the local constabulary had pulled in to drop the kids off at the pool. After realising he’d unleashed his human soft serve cannon without checking for paper he radioed his partner.
Being a typical cop, he pressed the staff on why there wasn’t any TP in there and they promised they’d just stocked it up – 5 fresh rolls. Much like his digested lunch, the penny dropped and he stopped old mate’s slow, arthritic walk back to his LandCruiser, “mate did you just pinch the toilet paper?”
He was caught red-handed by the brown hand of an aggrieved cop. He subsequently crumbled under the fierce interrogation that followed. After finding the stash, they phoned the local caravan parks to see if they had been hit.
Luckily for Metamucil’s 11, the cops had better things to do and made them promise they’d stop being such geriatric dickheads and return the bog roll to where they stole it.
Naturally, this didn’t happen and the ringleader was seen driving off at a max pace of 80kph exclaiming that they’d never take him alive.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?