Middle Aged Office Pest Keeps Forgetting Linkedin Notifies The Person He Looks Up

“Aw shit”, Dan exclaims as he realises he’s looked up a female coworker on Linkedin for the 4th time this month after 10pm. Evidently, it’s a lesson Dan can’t seem to learn. 

Winning the quaddie on the creep stakes isn’t the first time this ham of a man has made people uncomfortable via LinkedIn. 

See, Dan is a self-styled Buswellian figure and is well known around the office for being a Cuntonio Banderaz starring in a never-ending spin-off of Desperado. 

Luckily for Dan, the deep-seated nepotistic loyalty at his office keeps him in a job. Even if HR has him on speed dial. 

Laura started at the workplace last month. She experienced Dan’s thirst firsthand. Telling The Times,

“First we had a bit of morning tea to introduce me to the office. When I got back to my desk I saw this Dan character had looked me up on Linkedin at the morning tea. I saw him shove an entire party sausage roll into his mouth in one go by the way”

At the time, Laura thought it was just a coworker interested in her CV. A classic ruse. She continued,

“Then a few coworkers invited me to lunch. It all seemed pretty normal but then this guy who ordered two main courses announced to everyone he had to chuck a shit. He got a few laughs but frankly, it put me off my meal”

Laura tried to fight back the urge to laugh as she continued, 

“Then I get a notification on my phone that he has looked up my profile again! In the toilet! I showed the table and Craig shared a story about the time she got one at 1am on a Saturday. This guy is a real saddo”

Indeed, there is a running joke at a yearly conference he attends, “has Dan looked you up on Linkedin yet?” 

A joke most are in on, except of course, Dan who still can’t figure out the nuances of his favourite social media platform. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?