North, South & East Perth demand West Perth lifts its game or face expulsion from the club

The Federation of Perth suburbs has officially put West Perth on notice after claiming it’s a weird suburb and bringing the Perth name into disrepute.

In a statement obtained by The Times, the Perth suburbs club states that every member bar West Perth is pulling its weight. It reads,

“West Perth is like that dropkick cousin that we can’t seem to get rid of. As a suburb, it has no logic, cohesion, or convenience. Therefore, the members of South Perth, North Perth and East Perth demand West Perth gets its shit together and starts acting like an affluent, inner-city Perth-titled suburb!”

Harsh words indeed. Although, they may have a point. When one looks at West Perth they see a mess of agonising arterial roads, methy accommodation, and whatever City West is meant to be.

An official spokesperson for West Perth denied it wasn’t meeting the lofty expectations of the Perth Club. Claiming,

“Yeah it’s a bit methy but it’s not like East Perth can talk. Pretty bloody rich if you ask us. Oh, and South Perth? Piss off, it’s only taken you about 100 decades to allow another pub on Mends St, blow it out of your arse! Boring boomer burb”

Clearly, West Perth wasn’t pleased with the notice they received. The spokesperson continued,

“Oh and North Perth? You must have a pretty short memory, wasn’t long ago everyone was accusing you of being a grimy shithole. News flash pal, Kings Park shits all over Hyde Park. Seriously you jerks can go and suck on this”

East Perth has subsequently taken offence. Demanding to know what West Perth meant when it said they could talk. A spokesperson telling The Times,

“Everyone knows that the problems in East Perth are a direct result of Northbridge and Highgate riff raff. We are a proud people who mainly consist of Twiggy-wannabes and travellers spending way too much to stay in glorified COVID hotels. That used to mean something in this city!”

Clearly, a mediator will need to be called in. Especially after West Perth leaped across the table to try and attack South Perth after claims the foreshore was superior to Kings Park.

Nevertheless, West Perth has 6 months to get its shit together or will face expulsion and go by the name of East Subiaco.

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