Burswood – while your body is cooking some disgusting Coles’ honey soy chicken skewers on the BBQ your heart is chucking a slash in the Crown Towers’ pool on a staycation with the misso.
East Perth – you believe you are a cultural class above the rest of Perth. You’re not doing nangs in a foreshore car park, you’re taking in the canals and feeling all Euro. It’s hard to look cultured when you’re dodging needles on the ground though. More on East Perth HERE.
Applecross – your personality has been stunted by years of bitterness over the Western Suburbs getting all the praise as the elite section of Perth. Why can’t people get it through their thick skulls that you are the pinnacle of Perth living? Keep letting it stew, pal. The Applecross lifestyle HERE.
Mount Pleasant (Deepwater point) – you only feel alive when you’re endangering other water crafts with your reckless jet ski antics. You also love the look these wealthy river dwellers give you when you storm into one of their supermarkets barefoot and in Jet Pilot boardies.
Maylands – you’re a real quantity over quality kind of operator. Maylands has no shortage of subpar foreshores but you’ve paid your gentrification coin for the lifestyle and you’ll be damned if you concede defeat and go somewhere that doesn’t make you itch quite as bad. Get some Maylands up ya HERE.
Shelley – you’ve managed to sneak into the Rossmoyne High School catchment zone and now you’re going to take full advantage by throwing 80+ family gatherings on the foreshore. Old-school locals hate you.
Alfred Cove – after tasting some success blocking the wave park you are hungry for more NIMBY action. You don’t even care if you support the project or not, it’s about flexing your muscle. When you’re not doing that you’re probably poisoning an old-growth tree as it’s blocking your view.
Point Walter – you’ve reached the point in life where any social outing is overrun by free-range children. You can still remember when you were young & free and used to hurl yourself off Black Wall Reach. Now you’d rather through your brother-in-law off it if he makes one more smart-arse comment about your wife’s shitty potato salad.
Hillarys – you could almost see yourself enjoying it if everything wasn’t wrong with Australia. The sun’s too hot, the grass is too itchy, the fish and chips don’t have enough mushy peas smeared over them, and for god sake get some more pebbles on the beach.
Iluka – howsit, boy? Not a bad spot to throw some Boerewors on the braai, ja? When you’re done doing that you will report a neighbour for not complying with the strict conditions you like to enforce for the privilege to like in Iluka. Perhaps their backyard cricket set is too old or looks suspiciously well sanded down.
Read Part 1 of what your favourite foreshore says about you HERE.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?