Name a more iconic duo than cool sunny days and Perth hikes. Alas, you cbf’d going all the way to the Hills to get that Instagram snap. Well, fear not, you have plenty of iconic options right here in suburban Perth.
1. The house to the traino hike
The best thing about this series of trails is you can do them every morning. Strap on your boots and enjoy the poorly thought out Perth infrastructure that requires you to travel a great distance to a traino before utilising public transport.
Alternatively, you could leave your car at a pub of your choosing and embark on a similar hike the next day to retrieve it. You don’t get much more Perth than that. More on the struggle HERE.
“Wow that was a waste of my morning. Can’t wait to do it all again tomorrow” – Testimonial from Craig
2. Benny C booze bus route
This one’s a solo hike and even includes an optional swim if you’re feeling game. Start on Canning Highway and make your way through people’s yards and shit as you work your way to the river.
Traditionally, this hike is done at a fast pace and wearing your best going-out gear but if you’d be more comfortable in your Kathmandu gear then just roll with that. For extra authenticity, you could piss off a cop on Canning before embarking. This one is for thrill seekers.
“I wish my girlfriend could’ve enjoyed this with me!” – Testimonial from Cenny B
3. The Rossmoyne suspicious activity stroll
Riverton Drive is beautiful. Sure it’s the Canning River but you won’t even realise you’re hiking along an inferior river because of the intense NIMBY attention you’ll face due to your lack of local status.
Take in the sites of local bird life, dolphins, and irate cyclists as every move you make is captured on someone’s home surveillance system. Check to see if you made it to FB for suspiciously enjoying nature or the like.
“It felt great to know that I wasn’t welcome due to my own postcode. Great to see Perth sharing around their lovely communal areas!” – Testimonial from Sue
4. The lost ruins of Subiaco
It’s like discovering Atlantis. A land long lost to the popular throes of Perth. Subi now stands as a reminder of the City’s obsession with AFL and refusal to change.
Not much of the old girl still exists but you should take special care to explore the backstreets around the old Subi Oval to see just where epic battles between footy fans and residents occurred over parking. You may even get to see a sinkhole swallow up an offering to the lost gods.
“It’s hard to believe people once came here. I think we saw some ancient bodily fluid splatters at the site of The Red Sea. Amazing” – Testimonal from Simon
5. Iluka Safari trail
Getting to see Perth Saffas in the wild is truly a magical experience. Hike through the overly regulated streets of Iluka but be sure to keep to the trails or risk an unpleasant encounter with a real Saffa.
If you’re truly lucky, you may experience a sighting of a lifetime. Like an Iluka resident on their hands and knees measuring their neighbour’s lawn to an exact millimetre. Please do not feed the Saffas (or ask why they moved here a few decades ago), they have plenty of Biltong and Castle Lager and their diets shouldn’t be interfered with.
“Wow I’ve never seen so many cargo shorts in my life! we even got to see a real life saffa hunting for boerewors at the shops” – Testimonal from Mary
6. The South Eastern Front
This one is only for experienced campaigners. Many go about their lives without understanding the rivalry between Gosnells (Gozzywood) and Thornlie. So take a walk down Spencer St to see where the two mighty Titans clash at Mabel Davies Park.
There’s plenty to do and see along the way and the sounds of sirens and random abuse being hurled at you from cars will keep you on your toes.
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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
