Just stop doing the following:
1. Don’t play Aussie hip hop through your stolen Nokia, you’re not a DJ you’re an idiot
2. Pertinent phone calls only – your life is at least 500% less interesting than you think. Shut up.
3. On the topic of phone calls, everyone on the CAT bus is stoked you are arranging to pick up some gear. Perhaps enjoy your win in silence. A true winner is humble.
4. Stop putting your bag next to you to avoid someone sitting there – you are the exact kind of person no one would voluntarily cohabitate a space with. Get over yourself.
5. If your B.O stinks like onion soup then you lose the right to use the hand loop while standing.
6. On a bus, thank the driver, he is probably one incorrect fare away from going postal. Make his day.
7. If you’re a teenager, stop making such a compelling case for retroactive abortion. No one is impressed with that chin up.
8. It’s not a live version of Tinder. Getting a prostate exam from Michael J Fox would be more comfortable than subjecting non-responsive girls to your “game”.
9. Getting gooch sweat all over the seats while your bike blocks off priority seating misses the point of cycling.
10. Move down the carriage – yes, we get it, no one tells you what to farken do, but just be less of a stain for once in your life.
11. Stop pooling around the base of elevators like the proverbial cesspool you feel like being. Keep moving.
12. Stop acting like you are better than the bus/train. We get it, you are a big important businessperson but when you are on the pleb express you are just another shiteater. Deal with it.
13. If you are a public transport guard, stop thinking you can replace the hugs your mother never gave you by staunching international students with incorrect fares. It’s a god damn train ticket mate, get a life.
14. Never marry anyone until you’ve seen how they behave on public transport.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?