REPORT: “Adulting” On The Rise Among State’s Most Useless Citizens

A recent study has found that incidents of #adulting are on the rise among Western Australia’s most incompetent citzens who were evidently breastfed to the tender age of 15. 

All across the state, mediocre achievements are being celebrated with the kind of gusto one would give to a speech after winning a Nobel Prize in slay-kweenology 101.

We caught up with Taylah who had redefined the extreme boundaries of human achievement by assembling some Ikea bullshit and cooking a basic dinner for 5 people, all in the same day. 

You read that right. A 32-year-old, fully grown adult woman has “totally nailed this adulting thing” by exercising the bare minimum in cognitive function and is ready to celebrate. 

In the morning, she put together some stupid crap from Ikea and the achievement went straight to the social media pool room with a post to Instagram. She piled praise on her effort making sure she didn’t mention it took her 3.5 hours. About 2.5 hours longer than your average “adulting” star. 

An Instagram contact of Taylah told The Bell Tower Times,

“Yeah, looked alright I suppose. She’s always looking for some kind of vindication that she’s a real adult or something. You should’ve heard her at my 30th birthday telling everyone how she rolled over her super. I think she was gunning for a finance wing of a University to be named after her”

She then took to social media to give her followers a blow-by-blow account of preparing dinner for guests. From using her 3rd ING 0% interest debit card to expend her “entertainment” budget on groceries to navigating the complexities of keeping her salad cool and her pasta bake hot before serving. 

She even managed to use a nice jug she got for her birthday last year to mix up a basic concoction of soda water, vodka, and fruit. That particular act of adulting got its own feed post on Insta. 

Her brother told us,

“Farks sake, she went shopping and then made a garden salad and pasta bake. You’d have to say it’s the bare minimum of culinary life skills. Not sure why we needed a 25 part Instagram & Snapchat story about it”

We asked her brother if he dished up some praise for her adulting like she so sorely wanted. He replied,

“I told her I was going to delete her off social media if she doesn’t stop dragging our family name through the mud. We are a capable, industrious family. She makes us look like we were raised in a barn or something”

We understand that Taylah will be unavailable for contact until she arrives Down South to celebrate the first time she drove there herself. “This girl can really adult ;)”.

Please be aware this is just one story of thousands of useless individuals out there slaying life. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?